Real Housewives of New Jersey
Hair We Go Again

Episode Report Card
Angel Cohn: B | 9 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Penny Hater, We're Stuck on You

Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Albie and Chris were opening a restaurant, and Big Al told Caroline to shut the fuck up when she suggested he might stop working so much and relax a little. A hotshot producer invited Melissa to his Orlando compound. A vocal coach would be involved. Jacqueline conquered her fear of public speaking to address a crowd at an event to benefit autism. And Joe and Melissa "happened" "to" "bump" "into" that hag Penny at a restaurant, where she told them that Teresa was behind the cheating rumors. So much for Big Al's entreaty for them to form a united front to confront the pieces of garbage who were tearing apart their otherwise stellar family harmony!

We enter with Melissa trying to teach little Joey how to say his full name. He apparently thinks he's a hyphenate, trying out "Joey Gorga-Fart." Maybe "Fart" is actually Melissa's maiden name, and he's paying tribute to her Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario style. Melissa is prepping for her Orlando trip, and doesn't want to let hotshot producer/agent/former Timberlake associate Johnny down by not being able to get past her rather mediocre talents. And apparently Melissa called Teresa off-camera to confront her about Penny's assertion that she was behind all the cheating rumors. Teresa denied it all, pulling out the old, "Who are you going to believe - her or me?" which is a question I might not have asked if I were Teresa in this particular context.

And then we are reminded that Penny has a mean-tweeting husband named Johnny the Greek who is somehow involved. Melissa is simultaneously disturbed and delighted that this house of lies is crumbling. Its lack of structural soundness is not surprising, given that it is a house built by morons. As little Joey Gorga-Fart hangs out and pretends to talk on the phone, Melissa says that there's a line between Teresa, Penny, and the truth. Then Joe tells us that from as early as five, Teresa had to be right, even when she was wrong. E.g., she's always been a liar. Joe wants to get to the bottom of the whole thing, so Melissa tells him to go talk to Johnny the Greek, which he thinks is a great idea. I think it's a terrible idea to bring yet another bonehead into the mix, but no one ever listens to me about these things.

And then matters get even worse! Rekindled BFFs Teresa and Jacqueline go shopping…at POSCHE. Ugh. This means we have to deal with that hag Kim D. yet again. The three ladies discuss whether or not camel toe is sexy, and Jacqueline tells us that Lucy and Ethel are back. Hooray? Kim D. announces that she went to a new salon called the Moxie, who invited her to put a boutique in. In the salon? How would Tabatha feel about that? Are there zoning laws? In any case, they're having an opening next week, and Kim D. is planning on inviting all the girls. Unsurprisingly, Penny will also be invited. Teresa explains to Kim, who claims to be unaware, that Penny is accusing Teresa of being the one behind the cheating rumors. Kim advises Teresa to be her happy Teresa self about it, and Teresa says she'll be calm as a cucumber. Sigh.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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