Real Housewives of New Jersey
High Tide, Low Blow

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Rachel Stein: C | Grade It Now!
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Neither Fabulous Nor Delicious

Four months earlier: Belly flops in the pool! Melissa in a bikini! Kathy is smoking hookah in front of her horrified daughter. We're saying "salud" for the summer and making fun of Teresa's cookbook while they grill up some nasty looking ribs. Rich is cracking up his guests and making Melissa feel uncomfortable. She's trying to make amends with Teresa, but is doing so in secret, so she will not indulge in the reading of the Fabulicious! that her extended family is so joyously taking part in. Everyone is really upset about the chairs on the front porch comment, and Rich suggests they "burn the bitch on a stake." Joe and Kathy says she needs to get real and just kind of lost her way, and they're mostly just frustrated that their family member is being a massive famewhore she-devil. Though diplomatic Joe doesn't want to "rehatch" all their problems. He feels bad for her and Juicy and their obvious unhappiness.

Okay, Kathy's sister's Rosie is obviously trying to Kim G./Kim D. her way into this season, and it might be working on me. She says she wants to eat Teresa's heart and throw Melissa into the pool.

Manzo crew! Caroline and the boys visit Jacqueline. Teresa hasn't seen Caroline since the book came out, Jacqueline is wearing lots of eye shadow, and I completely forgot there was a Manzo daughter. Last season was on for literally five months, so I had to completely block it out once it was done. Caroline is in no mood to even deal with her bullshit. Blah blah blah loyalty, true Italians, family first... can we please break this crap up with a quick round of the ham game? Apparently, Ashley has continued to be an attention-craving beast, and Caroline calls her sister-in-law out on being an enabler.

But then! DING DONG, Teresa and Juicy are here, and it's super awkward. Teresa is obviously sad inside, and all Caroline claims to want is a genuine apology. The two talk outside, and Teresa swears she didn't mean to insult her and then says it hurts her that Caroline wouldn't get her funny ha ha jokey joke. Caroline isn't taking her excuses, and Teresa makes her touch her heart to feel it beating... which I guess is her way of apologizing? As Teresa backpedals and claims to have written nothing personal about Caroline's family, the editing monkeys give us Ken Burns-style shots of exact excerpts from the cookbook. At least we know who our villain is this season. Caroline is still pissed about the diss on Christopher's stripper car wash (a disstopher, if you will), and points out how everyone was hurt, which Teresa counters with, "First of all, what I wrote about Kathy... I was writing about her husband," because that's better, and says that Melissa must wear her copying shoes because they fit so well. Caroline is like, okay this lady is crazy and not worth my time, and Teresa is maybe the worst apologizer in Housewives history. And then it starts raining. DUN! Fake kisses galore, and we end on a high note of Caroline refusing to say "I love you" back to Teresa.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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