Gorga residence. Joe is helping his son Gino pee standing up, which I'm sure isn't horrifying to anyone at all... and then he says, "Like a big boy! You don't want to sit on a toilet like girls do!" Good, good. Melissa is in her massive closet, packing to go to the Shore -- her whole family lives down there, and Joe bought her a Shore house so that they could spend summers there, don't you know -- ew, and I really don't like having to visualize their sex life.
Casa Kathy. Really, are we doing innuendos and lube-talk with them, too? I feel like I'm watching Real Housewives of Atlanta all over again. These two lovebirds will be hanging out at a friend's Shore house, so right now they're packing and talking shit about Teresa. Kathy just wants to act like adults, but Rich is exasperated at the very thought. They also haven't seen Teresa since Fabulicious! Gate, and Kathy is just like, maybe this will be the season of our reality show where nothing goes horribly wrong! Family family family, through thick and thin, yadda yadda yadda.
Casa Forclosure. Everyone is screaming -- Gia and Joe at the forefront, natch -- and Gabriella is trying to find her iPod touch. Um, Joe is feeding like, a garbage can full of food to a bunch of wolves, or something? What the? Teresa addresses the tabloid rumors, and confirms she'd rather have Juicy than a nanny. All of the girls scream at their father as he picks things up and puts them down, and Milania is like, "Look how strong you are! You're like a dragon!" Hee."
Jacqueline's Place. Ashley went blonde and holy shit, did she CHANGE THE SPELLING OF HER NAME?! Oh my god, of course she did. She's laughing about how dumb she is when her Life Coach stops by. I swear I'm not making this up. Jacqueline feels defeated. The Life Coach listens to her concerns as her daughter gets help from her much younger littler brother operating a vacuum. Then there's a manipulative moment where Jacqueline is like, "Nicholas, don't run off of the deck!" and the fucking Life Coach is like, you can't control Ashley (there is no way I will participate in spelling her name with two e's) and you can't control Nicholas and he is sooo obviously really proud of how clever he is. Stupid.
Back at Melissa's, we're still talking about the cookbook. Apparently Teresa told her brother that if a richer guy came along, Melissa would leave him. Now Melissa is super pissed, because duh.
Teresa and Juicy are driving to the beach, also talking about the devil's cookbook. Her daughters are like, "Why aren't you ever home, Mommy?" And Teresa's like, "Hahaha, what a funny joke! We are all jokers in this family!" Then Teresa asked Juicy where he was last night, and he's all, "I was out with several ladies and obviously cheating on you," and even Gia says, verbatim, "Oh yeah, Dad, really? Ladies?" So that's sad.