Real Housewives of New Jersey
High Tide, Low Blow

Episode Report Card
Rachel Stein: C | Grade It Now!
Neither Fabulous Nor Delicious

Caroline's at the doctor's office for her migraines. She's been frustrated, moody, distracted and stressed out, but her libido is still ROCKIN'. Then the doctor says what we're all thinking: "You got 'pause... menopause." Caroline is totally freaked out and is hoping this is all just stress-induced and the doctor straight up tells her, "You're getting old." Caroline tries to joke this off, and all of the doctor can prescribe is getting friends you don't hate/film a reality show with.

Oh man, Teresa's Shore house is such a dud. I mean, if a real person had this house -- if I had this house -- it would be awesome and cute but you know that the Giudices are just crushed that they don't have a McMansion Shore house. Adding insult to injury, there's a mouse in their stuff, and the girls start screaming and crying.

Melissa is excited to get everything ready, and talks about the Jersey Shore vs. The Hamptons and how the former is so much better... and as a Jersey girl myself, I totally agree. They talk about cleaning up the joint before they get the nonstop partying going, and before I can even start typing about Joe's newly insulated bedroom, he uses the term "Gorgasm." My boyfriend idly looks up from his work and laughs. I glare at him.

Aw, their house is also pretty modest. The editors totally fool me by showing their neighbor's mini mansion first. Tricksters! Gino like, "Daddy, are we poor like Uncle Juicy, now?" Y'all, this seriously looks like the Real Housewives of New York McCord residence circa Season 1. There's construction garbage everywhere. Melissa confirms that she will not be sleeping with her husband tonight.

Things are cleaner at Kathy's friend's place. It's a really awesome house, stocked with Vitamin Water. Rosie is there, as is Kathy's mom. More talk about sex. Melissa and Joe show up. More talk about sex.

Juicy is working out. Teresa is like, "Dude, Gia reads the gossip rags and knows how awful of a person you are, and we all think you look/act/talk like the Mucinex slug." Joe talks about jail and how he may or may not be going there for ten years. Apparently, Teresa tells the girls that those Us Weekly's they have around the house with her on the cover that say "WHY I'M LEAVING MY HORRIBLE HUSBAND" are just there to be saved forever as cherished family mementos. Gia knows Juicy has been cheating on Teresa and this is a sad conversation that Teresa cannot actually have in front of cameras.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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