Real Housewives of New Jersey
Hot Tub of Sour Grapes

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Toast and Jam

All through this conversation you can hear yelling in the background. We zoom back to Caroline and Teresa, and hear Caroline saying that she wants to hear Teresa that she wants admit that she knowingly, willingly, and continuously insulted her. Of course this is all about the fucking cookbook. Caroline wants Teresa to admit that she was trying to diss her in the cookbook, but Teresa will not. How wonderful that we get to revisit this subject, it's been nearly half an episode since we discussed it last! Jacqueline is pretending to sleep through all of this, which Teresa sees as a sign of loyalty and Caroline sees as evidence of the fact that Teresa bullies Jacqueline. Melissa is awake, but staying silent. And then Caroline brings up all the times when Teresa would call her and ask why she was hanging out with Kathy or Melissa. Teresa denies it, but I'm betting that one is actually true. And then Teresa brings up the fact that Caroline has problems with her own family, to which Caroline notes that every family has problems and she never denied that. But Caroline tells us that Teresa's claims that she wants to mend her familial relationships are all smoke and mirrors. She's told Caroline directly that she doesn't like her brother and doesn't want to have a relationship with him (I mean...fair enough), and also poisoned her mother's mind against Joe and Melissa and Kathy in Caroline's presence. Caroline once again says that it's despicable. This is her new signature phrase, I think! Caroline Manzo: the postmodern Daffy Duck.

Oh God, and then it keeps going. Caroline says that Teresa's a liar and a fraud and a disgrace, and Teresa says that calling her a disgrace is in and of itself a disgrace. You know what's really a disgrace? Me volunteering to recap this show at the beginning of the season. Who I am to judge anyone when my own past is so full of poor decisions? Anyway, Caroline says that hanging out with Teresa's family has been a blessing, because now some things suddenly began to make sense. I guess the sensical things have something to do with how Teresa is full of shit. Teresa is really mad at this point, and turns to Kathy to ask if she's happy. No, she would have been happy if she had been mentioned in the freaking toast. Caroline announces that she is interested in having a relationship with Melissa and Kathy, but wants nothing to do with Teresa. Kathy interviews that maybe she should have minded her business. Uh, yeah.

Meanwhile, at the men's table, Chris brings up the fact that Juicy told some bottling guy that he was shady. Juicy counters that Chris IS a shady motherfucker, before saying that this whole tale is bullshit. Chris points out that friends don't call friends shady, and Juicy is like, "Whatever." Joe Gorga tells us that he's staying out of it, except for noting that, just like Teresa, Juicy can't take ownership of anything. This is because they are LITERALLY crooks! Chris again reiterates that the last thing he is is shady -- in fact, he's the best friend you could ever have. Juicy says that he'll forgive Chris for a kiss. Oh god, these guys and their chianti and their homoeroticism. They kiss like nine times, and then Richie and Joe kiss like nine times, and Christopher looks on with marked bewilderment.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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