Jacqueline acknowledges Teresa's had a lot going on in her life, and Teresa admits she didn't know about her family's bankruptcy until it was a done deal. She says, "I'm a pretty strong person, but I was scared shitless." She says she's being fiscally conservative. Which means no more insane parties. Boooooo! I can no longer abide by this bankruptcy if it means I will be deprived of Teresa's crazypants opulence. Teresa, as I'm sure she does about a million times a day into a Hello Kitty mirror, assures herself that she'll get through it and that "there's a light at the end of the tunnel... there has to be."
In stark contrast, now we get a proper introduction to Melissa Gorga, whose first words are, "I tend to be very spoiled. So what?" She says she's living the American dream, then crosses herself and says, "Thank you, Jesus." Yes, thank you Jesus for giving her that bangin' hot body and low enough self-esteem to be with a hideous man for his money. Melissa takes out one of her million sparkly dresses to get ready for a big event. She asks CMJ to lotion her legs, which he immediately takes as a come on. He gets all sorts of porny with her feet, then tells her he thinks he should lotion her butt cheeks because they're probably dry, too. Well if this is marriage, then sign me up! Melissa, who's been married to Joe for six years, says, "Joe is not only hot, but he is one of the best developers in Jersey."
Then we get a quick tour of their 15,000-square-foot mansion, with which CMJ surprised Melissa last Christmas. Melissa is miffed that Teresa hasn't paid sufficient compliments to her McMegamansion. Imagine not fawning all over someone else's success when you're nearly being foreclosed on. The nerve of some people! Melissa gives the back-story that Teresa was one of her bridesmaids. CMJ and Teresa were extremely close as children, and we see a picture in which Teresa looks exactly like Gia and CMJ looks less like an ape than usual. Melissa thinks the rift started forming when she helped CMJ build up his business, and their success eclipsed Teresa's. She defines her current relationship with Teresa as competitive.
Melissa dismisses their issues, saying what she does best is be a wife and a mommy. Cue naked, pregnant picture of her and her oldest, Antonia, who is now five years old. Her first son Gino is three years old, and the newest baby is Joey -- he who started all this trouble with his damn christening. Bad baby! Melissa relishes her housewife duties, saying she "was always told to be a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor, and a whore in the bedroom." We're treated to various scenes of domesticity (bath time, Joe bossing around some landscapers, Melissa cleaning up after the kids) as Melissa tells us she knew was she was getting into when she married CMJ, and she appreciates his "work ethnic." For his part, CMJ says Melissa is his hero because he loves her work ethic. As Gino offers to help Melissa clean up the playroom, CMJ tells him to come watch football because cleaning up is "for the women." Doesn't it just hurt your heart that a gem like that is off the market?