Real Housewives of New Jersey
In the Name of the Father

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Five Guys Named Joe

Then we get a quick tour of their 15,000-square-foot mansion, with which CMJ surprised Melissa last Christmas. Melissa is miffed that Teresa hasn't paid sufficient compliments to her McMegamansion. Imagine not fawning all over someone else's success when you're nearly being foreclosed on. The nerve of some people! Melissa gives the back-story that Teresa was one of her bridesmaids. CMJ and Teresa were extremely close as children, and we see a picture in which Teresa looks exactly like Gia and CMJ looks less like an ape than usual. Melissa thinks the rift started forming when she helped CMJ build up his business, and their success eclipsed Teresa's. She defines her current relationship with Teresa as competitive.

Melissa dismisses their issues, saying what she does best is be a wife and a mommy. Cue naked, pregnant picture of her and her oldest, Antonia, who is now five years old. Her first son Gino is three years old, and the newest baby is Joey -- he who started all this trouble with his damn christening. Bad baby! Melissa relishes her housewife duties, saying she "was always told to be a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor, and a whore in the bedroom." We're treated to various scenes of domesticity (bath time, Joe bossing around some landscapers, Melissa cleaning up after the kids) as Melissa tells us she knew was she was getting into when she married CMJ, and she appreciates his "work ethnic." For his part, CMJ says Melissa is his hero because he loves her work ethic. As Gino offers to help Melissa clean up the playroom, CMJ tells him to come watch football because cleaning up is "for the women." Doesn't it just hurt your heart that a gem like that is off the market?

Melissa says it's going to be a crazy weekend getting ready for Joey's christening, since he's her last baby, she needs to welcome her son into God's kingdom with a bang. The doorbell rings, and Melissa welcomes in Teresa's cousin Kathy Wakile. Melissa says they're more like sisters than cousins-in-law. Kathy is her go-to, especially since her relationship with Teresa is strained. Kathy asks whether the Giudices are coming to the christening. She worries about how hard Teresa is working to keep up a facade of normalcy in the midst of all her personal turmoil. Kathy says, in Teresa's situation, she wouldn't want to leave the house.

CMJ grouses about Teresa's "new family" in Jacqueline and Caroline. Melissa says blood is family, then sits for an interview in what could only be her daughter's dance recital costume repurposed as a shirt. Seriously, we're talking a pink, satin, pinstriped vest with sequined lapels. Cringe. Melissa says that Teresa and BJ act like she and CMJ aren't even there when they go to Teresa's events, so she doesn't expect her family to be a big priority for the Giudices. So you want the privilege of being the inner circle while also treating them like crap? I see. She wonders how they're going to work through the tension. CMJ says he has no one except for Kathy's family and that his blood has done him wrong. Kathy remembers Teresa telling her one time that "Family sucks," which Kathy took personally. Still, she says, they're blood. And even though she doesn't always like Teresa, she has to love her.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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