Real Housewives of New Jersey
In the Name of the Father

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Five Guys Named Joe

Bonus footage: Caroline doesn't think a Southern kitchen smells as homey as an Italian kitchen. Tell that to the biscuit maker, woman. Chris counters that Southern people are better at everything. From his lips to God's ears (says the recapper from Alabama), though Caroline and Lauren agree that people from the Northeast have bullshit locked down. Says Lauren, "You can't bullshit a bullshitter." Chimes in Chris, "Gandhi said that."

The next day, it's time for the christening over at Melissa's house. As Jesus would do, the whole family is getting decked out in their purple finery and glugging champagne like there's no tomorrow. Melissa warns the family not to drink too much because they have to go to church before the party. She promises them they can drink afterward "and celebrate my little baby boy with Jesus." She crosses herself, takes a swig, and lets out a satisfied "Ahhhh." Melissa tells her sisters that 150 people are coming to the party, and they exchange catty looks at the news that Teresa is coming. "That should be... interesting," says Lysa. Melissa interviews that her sisters are her best friends and that Teresa doesn't know how to be a sister because she didn't have any. Like the cat that ate the canary, Melissa warns the ladies to behave.

Back at the Giudice compound, it's a madhouse as Teresa scrambles around to get everyone ready for the christening. This includes forcing a bawling four-year-old (Milania) to get her hair did and catching baby Audriana as she tries to throw herself down the stairs. Hell, I've only had to look at Joe shirtless for a few seconds, and I'm considering doing the same. Teresa rants to Milania that Melissa hired her hair stylist for the day, so if she's late to the church then it's Melissa's fault. Way to teach those kids accountability! While Teresa's hair lady finishes up on Melissa and her sisters Chez Gorga, Teresa's stylist Daniel fans the flames by suggesting that maybe Melissa is purposely holding up the hair lady to sabotage Teresa. Meanwhile, Gia heads off to a gymnastics meet that she can't miss or else she'll be kicked of her team. Before she leaves, though, she begs Joe to put on a shirt. I knew I liked Gia.

Back at the Gorgas, Melissa and CMJ swaddle little Joey in a baby wifebeater before outfitting him like the Pillsbury Doughboy at a Renaissance fair for his big day.

The hair stylist finally arrives at Teresa's house and immediately gets a reaming for not telling her other clients she had to leave to service Teresa. Meanwhile, Joe is puttering around in the basement, nowhere near ready. He suggests Teresa go to the christening without him and pick him up before the party. And the answer to this big mystery I'm sure you've been contemplating is that Joe won't go to the church because he has explosive diarrhea. As Melissa would say, "Thank you, Jesus!" for filling me in. Teresa admits her stomach has been rumbling, too. She says when she and her man gets the runs, "it ain't no joke." Also thanks to Bravo and the Giudice family. I really hope someone's cataloging this footage for Gia's wedding.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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