Real Housewives of New Jersey
In the Name of the Father

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Five Guys Named Joe

Last season: Harsh words were thrown about, including "coke whore," "bitch," and "garbage." Andy Cohen himself was thrown about, which was awesome. Weaves were ripped out of their very tracks. The Manzo kids were all sorts of lovable, while Jacqueline's daughter Ashley was an entitled, violent brat. Despite financial troubles, Teresa and her bulldog of a husband Joe took their motley crew with the Manzos and Lauritas to Italy, where they promptly shopped at... Chanel? And Caroline said presciently, "You better buckle up." It was as useful advice then as it I'm sure it will be now.

Credits. Caroline's new motto is, "Life is about change, and sometimes you just have to roll with the punches." Teresa tells us, "I'm a Jersey Girl. No one can knock me down." Because she'll knock a bitch down first. Melissa, one of the new ladies, says, "I live a life that most girls only dream of." And she wears a dress from my nightmares. It's like a pageant queen and a hooker mated. Jacqueline insists, "I can hold my own. I am my own person." And the other newbie Kathy warns, "People say I'm sweet, but I'm tough, so don't cross me."

We're greeted by the familiar strains of the "Papa Loves Mambo" knock-off that has become the show's theme as Teresa and Bulldog Joe arrive at The Manor for the christening of her little brother's son, Giuseppe "Joey" Gorga. Why yes, that is an airbrushed photo of the baby in a powder blue track suit with matching hat. Teresa's Cro-Magnon brother, also named Joe, makes a toast to his son, also named Joe. It's their Big Fat Italian Christening -- they've spent so much money on ice sculptures they can't afford new names. Teresa's cousin Kathy -- New Girl #1 -- and her husband toast to another christening in a year and Cro-Magnon Joe's wife Melissa -- New Girl #2 -- promises that this is her last child. Teresa says euphemistically, "Melissa's my sister-in-law, and we're not exactly best friends. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles."

Teresa heads over to Cro-Magnon Joe and Melissa's table to wish them congratulations. She gives Melissa a strained kiss on the cheek, and CMJ isn't having it. He tells her to "do what you do every day, just walk the fuck away." By now, anyone who knows Teresa will know that shit isn't going to fly. She can't believe her ears. CMJ puts his drink down (the male equivalent of taking your off your earrings, I imagine), and Gia instinctively comes over to pull her mom back from the fracas. It's sad when your nine-year-old daughter has to double as your bouncer. The more CMJ tells Teresa to take a walk, the more defensive she gets. Just when she's ready to call it quits, he calls her (his own sister) garbage. It. Is. On.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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