Real Housewives of New Jersey
It’s Not You, It’s Me

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To Be Continued

Teresa, Teresa, Teresa. Karma is a bitch and if you spend all your time bragging about how much money you spend on your precious angels and their ATV needs, eventually the economic downturn will come a-callin'. If you haven't seen the news, it turns out that the granite and marble business doesn't pay nearly as well as one would suspect. In fact, in recent court documents, Joe Giudice claims to only make $3,250 a month salary from the interior decorative rock business. And since Teresa spends that much on tutus for her little ballerina troupe, Joe has been taking over $10,000 a month in loans from his family. I think we can all agree that this "family" is probably more cosa nostra than Addams Family. Yet even the most supportive family can't sustain this sort of tithing and obviously something has to give. So the Giudices filed for bankruptcy protection. They claim to make only $79,000 a year, which is a lot for some people, but clearly can't support the Nieman Marcus-pink limousine-Armani jean shorts-Gucci stemware-mini ATV-granite-encrusted palace lifestyle. The Giudices have been living so beyond their means that they owe a whopping $11 million to various creditors and the marble mausoleum they call home has been foreclosed on. Take a breath and yell: ELEVEN MILLION!???!!!! What is wrong with these people? Where is Susan Powter to yell: STOP THE PINK LIMOUSINE INSANITY. But wait! According to the court documents, THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY PAY FOR THE PINK LIMOUSINE. Nor for their Escalade, their $1.7 million home, nor for the fertility clinic. Personally I thought Joe was a one-man Ed Hardy-wearing fertility clinic, but just like everything else on this show, Joe's virility is a CHARADE. And now they owe $12,000 to a fertility clinic. Anyway, it's all rather revolting considering Teresa spent half of last episode gloating over how much money she threw at her daughters to make them happy.

Teresa is taking Gia to an audition in the hopes that maybe baby can foot the bills for a while. Gia is strangely not that excited to be trying out for a part in a Christian Slater movie. Gosh, Gia might actually be on to something with that, since poor Christina Slater hasn't been in a successful movie since he was cast in an uncredited role in Austin Freaking Powers. So Teresa, lie to yourself all you want that this is a great part for your little Gypsy Rose, but DON'T THINK YOU'RE FOOLING US. We're on to you, missy! Teresa drives Gia to her audition and then sits in the waiting room whipping out her penis and measuring it with all the other parents. While Teresa is boasting about Gia's brilliance, inside the audition, Gia is flailing. Ha ha ha! Look! What Teresa is saying doesn't match reality! Ha ha ha!

Over at The Brownstone, the Manzos and their competent staff are showing off their business acumen and wearing gloves when they put decoratively-shaped pats of butter on plates and bowing to every whim of their wackadoodle guests and doing whatever they can to show that they are consummate professionals who would never not ever throw out an esteemed guest. Not even if that esteemed guest is Danielle Staub. Not even if Danielle showed up with a motorcycle gang at a charity event and didn't pay for any of them. NOT EVEN THEN. Their family business is above it all. They put on classy events. And did you see their decorative butter pats?

It's pedicure time for the ladies of Franklin Lakes. Jacqueline is just trying to get her nails did (with sparkles!) while the baby naps, but that pesky Kim G. has a simultaneous appointment and insists on talking. About Danielle! And The Brownstone! Man, I thought The Chateau Day Spa was neutral territory and she who cannot be named would, you know, NOT BE NAMED. I guess Kim G. has not read her bylaws recently. Jacqueline thinks her wailing baby has saved her from the AWKWARD, but no: Kim G. insists on talking about her side of the event. Kim G. explains that she was shocked and embarrassed and really uncomfortable at Danielle's behavior and at that, Jacqueline busts up laughing, because: Duh, Kim G. Duh. Danielle is a nut-covered cheeseball with extra nuts! You hang out with her while she is storming the Manzos citadel and you are bound to get some wrinkles in your Botox-smooth visage.

Meanwhile, while Kim G. is getting pedicured with the enemy, Danielle is explaining that her bestie Kim G. is throwing her her first "adult" birthday party. The ladies are getting their hair done with their at-home stylists when Kim G. quietly asks if Danielle invited her little felon friend Danny to be her escort. Danielle says no, but she is already suspicious and you can see her hackles are up. So when Kim G. mentions that she really didn't appreciate Danielle's choice of escort to the event at The Brownstone. She also didn't appreciate Danny calling her son's best friend, Chris Manzo, a faggot. Danielle doesn't defend the word (she's a gay ADVOCATE! Also, a tranny), but she does defend Danny's right to call him that name because Chris is not, in fact, gay. Who knew Danielle was a logician, right? I mean, did you check out the logic on her? As Kim G. continues to explain that she felt uncomfortable and degraded by the whole scene and didn't like being affiliated with anyone calling her son's best friend a rotten name, Danielle does something miraculous. No, she doesn't accept responsibility and apologize. Danielle? Please. Instead she figures out a way to blame the Manzos for getting their son called a pejorative! How so, you might ask? Because they sent poor little Chris into the line of fire by letting him play valet. Clearly negligent parenting! Call the state! Get that kid in foster care! Danielle is a marvel of denial, pretense, and self-absorption. Thanks to all the Botox holding her face in place, Kim G. manages to not laugh uproariously at this and merely puts a stop to the conversation by reminding Danielle that they have a party to get to. A party she is throwing for her best friend Danielle! At the party, Kim G.'s mother wants a word with Danielle. But Danielle is not interested in talking, she wants everyone around her to draw lines, pick sides and only say mean things about the Manzos! IT'S HER BIRTHDAY WISH! Everyone has to comply! Kim G. tries to point out that Chris is her son's best friend, but soon realizes the futility and just starts drinking more. Inside, Danielle toasts their everlasting friendship while telling the confessional that she's not so sure about Kim G. Honey, I am pretty sure that feeling is mutual.

Dina may not have a career, but this does not mean she does not need an assistant for all her charity work. Her assistant does what every good assistant should do and agrees with everything Dina says, including nodding vehemently when Dina says she is going to go talk to Danielle. Oh yeah! Good choice! Great move, Dina! If someone is a negative influence, chaotic force, and just called your nephew a gay slur, why not sit down to tea for two with her? That definitely will remove all the negativity from your life. Choices, Dina, choices.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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