Real Housewives of New Jersey
It's Not You, It's Me

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A+ | Grade It Now!
To Be Continued

Danielle has decided that the cure for Jailbird Danny's potty mouth is a new suit. Nothing like new togs to make a man a man and not a felon. I think I saw that embroidered on a pillow once. Is Danny's constant presence a sign that Danielle is embracing her ex-con past and is now being open and candid about her prior convictions? Or is she REALLY actually paranoid that the Manzos will try something? Can someone start slipping Danielle some Thorazine in her Diet Coke? Anyway, much to Danielle's surprise, Dina calls to set up a tete-a-tete for that evening. Danielle is in shock. Danny is in shock. Danny's thug friend is in shock. Danielle agrees to the meet-and-greet, only after ensuring that Danny and his friend are available for kneecap breaking and window smashing, if need be. Danielle optimistically thinks Dina is calling to apologize, which is so sweetly sadly delusional that you kind of want to give her hug, but then you remember she's wearing a creepy raccoon fur vest and then you don't want to hug her anymore.

Ashley confides in her boyfriend Derek that her mom is mad at her about texting Danielle. Derek rightly points out that Danielle is a 16 year old trapped in a 40-year old body. (Ha ha, 40! Try 60, you loveable lug!) Then Jacqueline calls irate that Ashley posted on Facebook that Danielle has a warrant out for her arrest and demanding that Ashley take it off immediately. Ashley can't believe her mother is so insistent, but then (shocker! Brace yourself!) DEREK AGREES WITH JACQUELINE. He thinks Ashley should just knock it off, stay away from Danielle, leave her be, do not engage. OH MY GOD, DEREK IS THE VOICE OF REASON ON THIS SHOW! Ashley is snippy, but does everything Derek tells her to, which in hindsight is probably a good thing.

Caroline and Albert are meat shopping. Correction: Ham shopping. Can't keep those cold cuts in the house for some reason! They have invited Jacqueline, Chris, Ashley, Derek, Teresa, and EVERYONE. Except Dina. Caroline thinks Dina meeting Danielle is a bad idea, but she won't let her concern interfere with her veal parm dinner.

Danielle is expecting an apology for her family's constant harassment, while Dina claims that she wants no part of Danielle's insanity WHILE FULLY ENGAGING THE INSANITY. Choices, woman!

Teresa and her co-debtor, Joe, finally arrive at Caroline's house in time for the pasta course. Ashley brings up the only topic of conversation available to her while she tries to choose between fashion merchandising and music management, namely: Danielle. She tells everyone about the text war with Danielle, but claims Danielle started it by saying she was fat and needed to lose arm girth. Ashley then explains that she wrote back saying Danielle needed to fix her "square tit", which makes me suddenly and completely TEAM ASHLEY! Square tit, indeed. The whole table busts up at that because IT IS THE BEST THING EVER SAID. Caroline later explains that she admires Ashley's motivations, but she needs to work on her delivery. Her delivery? SQUARE TIT, Caroline, SQUARE TIT! Delivery does not get any better than that! Someone then tells Joe that Danielle's friend called Chris a faggot, which Teresa finds interesting since Danielle harangued Joe for calling something "gay". She points out that faggot is a "gay slur" while "gay" is just a word. She recommends that Danielle look it up in a dictionary. She would look it up for her, but her dictionary got repossessed ALONG WITH HER HOUSE. Also, I highly recommend Teresa watch Kirk's dad's speech from Glee, where he points out how hateful the word "gay" is. Words hit as hard as a fist, Teresa! Caroline collapses in exhaustion about talking about Danielle. Oh we are ALL so with you. Although I have no idea what this show would do if there were no Danielle dramaz. HAM FIGHT!

Meanwhile, Danielle and Dina are heading to their crescendo. Dina has suggested they meet on the neutral territory of a local wine bar, which is luckily abandoned so no one (especially the health department) has to witness the impending shit storm. When Dina arrives, Danielle asks if she is hungry, but Dina doesn't think she will be there long enough to eat. No she's only there to chuck the furniture around, throw some wine and make the restaurant wish they had never volunteered for this free publicity. Dina explains that she is not there to attack Danielle, because this is not about Danielle, but about Dina. Dina reminds Danielle that she forgave her, but her forgiveness was conditioned on the fact that Danielle would stay away. And Danielle is not living up to her end of the bargain. So she has called Danielle today to tell her that she wants nothing to do with her anymore. Danielle rightly points out the ludicrous nature of this visit. I mean, who invites someone to dinner to tell them they never want to see them again? Who does that? Oh right: reality television stars. Danielle gets louder as the paramount stupidity of Dina's meeting becomes clear so Dina shushes her. SHE SHUSHES HER. Danielle does not abide shushing! If you shush Danielle, she gets louder! Such shushing WILL NOT STAND! But we have to wait until next week to see how much will not stand. That's right, the big drama is TO BE CONTINUED.

Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is making sure all of Teresa's checks clear before saying anything nice about her. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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