Real Housewives of New Jersey
On Thin Giud-Ice

Episode Report Card
admin: B | 18 USERS: B+
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I Cry When I Wanna Cry

Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Kathy, intuitive genius that she is, posited that Jacqueline and Teresa still have issues that need resolving. The Joes came to blows in the Adirondikes, and Teresa called in the big guns -- e.g., Caroline. We were also introduced to famewhore psychologist Dr. Vajayjay, who was roundly noted as the last hope for Gorga sibling reconciliation.

We enter with Dr. Vajayjay telling Joe and Teresa that what they need is more time together, just the two of them. Because when it's just the two of them they probably won't beat each other bloody and hairless. Probably. Teresa cries as she says that she doesn't know if Joe wants to spend time with just her, and Joe grabs her head and hugs her. I should note that Teresa is crying for-real for-real. Like, ugly-crying. Joe says that Teresa broke his heart. He feels that she needs to put her dukes down, open up and change her ways. I still take umbrage with how the entire family asserts that all of their woes are 100% Teresa-driven. We watch the show! We know that they're all assholes!

Teresa pretends that she loves Melissa, which gives Dr. Vajayjay leave to invite her up. We cut down to the dining room table, where Melissa is complaining that the previous day was all about Jacqueline. She recounts for Caroline's benefit how Teresa took no responsibility for the family being broken apart, and how Melissa bent down and sarcastically offered to kiss her ring. That was weird, right? Caroline thinks so, and she says that everyone's hands are dirty. Dr. Vajayjay comes down and promises that she's not murdering Joe and Teresa. Pity, that. She takes a skeptical Melissa up to the therapy room where, left to their own devices, Joe is telling Teresa that she needs to talk nice to Melissa. Teresa claims that she gave Melissa her heart from day one and wanted her to be like a sister, but Melissa rejected her after she and Joe were married. And really, at this point, no one knows nor cares about the truth of their origin story. Except for the part that involves spray-on hair, which I still find endlessly fascinating.

Melissa sits down and starts shaking her head as Dr. Vajayjay says that Teresa and Joe were almost having a good time together. You know, because ugly-crying is fun, at least for therapists. Dr. Vajayjay mentions her advice that Joe and Teresa spend more time together, just the two of them, and Melissa says that while that might provide a temporary solution, the real problem is that Teresa never accepted her as Joe's wife. Teresa counters, saying that she accepted Melissa from day one. We then have little flashes of time-lapse therapy, some of which involve Dr. Vajayjay saying that Joe feels he has to choose between his wife and his sister, and others of which involve Teresa saying that she'll stop hanging out with Kim D. if Melissa stops hanging out with Jacqueline. All the while, Joe sits there fiddling with his lips, and eventually Dr. Vajayjay says that their problem is that they want to be in conflict. Ding ding ding! And this is why Andy Cohen loves them, despite (or because of?) their enduring dumb-assery.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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