Real Housewives of New Jersey
Pokerface

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Potes: A- | 1 USERS: A+
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That's a Spicy Meatball!

Oh God, and then it's time to catch up with the Giudices at the pizzeria. This whole setup is constructed so that human thumb Joe Giudice can talk about the reason why he tried to get a fake license, which is apparently because he's such a committed pizzeria owner and not because he needed a sweet ride in which to pick up his mistresses. Teresa just stands there and blinks at him. And I know that she's the supreme leader of the world's dumb-asses, but she just looks so sad this season, and the bags under her eyes are so deep, and Juicy Joe is so awful. Add this to the fact that I find her rather affably idiotic on Celebrity Apprentice and I think I've come around to pulling for her again. I KNOW. Kill me, whatever. Oh wait! The pizzeria is CLOSED. Now I understand why it's totally empty and stuff. Joe is going to become a house husband and professional philanderer slash alcoholic, I guess. Teresa assures us that we don't need to feel sorry for her, because she will survive. And she's in good hands, because apparently Juicy is going to tear down the gas station across the street and put up a senior citizen center? I don't know, you guys. Can we set up a Kickstarter campaign for her divorce?

And then there's Kathy's family. Apparently her son Joseph is now sophomore class president, which I'm sure he celebrates by drinking fine brandy out of a snifter while stroking his smoking jacket. He's like a sleazy 52-year old vampire in a 15-year old body. So, I guess Kathy's husband Rich owns a convenience store/gas station? And he's taking Joseph there as part of some kind of lesson? About business? I don't know, this is boring. For most of this scene, I spent my time thinking about how excellent Rich would have been on The Match Game. The voice of Brett Somers meets the bone structure of Charles Nelson Reilly and the panache of Richard Dawson!

Oh no, and then just when we thought we were safe we have more Ashley(e). She's not out of the state yet, which makes me nervous. En route to the airport, Ashley(e) regales Albie with tales of how she once drank a bottle of Nyquil with a straw. Albie explains that Ashley(e) thinks she's Ke$ha. He feels maybe a little bad for her, but not bad enough to actually walk her inside the airport. And you know, I'm not a parent. But I still have to wonder if Vegas is precisely the right place to send your troubled 20-year old. It's like, things aren't going so well for her, might as well just give her a nudge in the direction of prostitution so she can at least make a living.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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