Ugh, and then we move on to Gorgaville. Joe has an "office," and Melissa has brought him some photos to put up on the wall. The family takes a walk outside, and Melissa and Joe regale Gino with tales of how he can someday be a slumlord too! The kid's got it made. Oh, FYI, Melissa is still totally pissed about how Teresa said that she would leave Joe for a richer man and is a golddigger and also can't cook. And FYI TMI, Joe points with two fingers to his junk in an interview, giant shocker. I don't even know why. I guess at some point in the near future Joe is going to own a whole crappy block, and maybe someday the kids can inherit that too. It's a uniquely American story! God bless the USA, etc.
And then, in yet another shocker, Albie pulls over on the side of the road to take a call from Ashley(e), who has missed her flight. We all knew it was too good to be true, didn't we? Albie calls Chris Manzo the Elder, who is unsurprised and a little disgusted, and they talk about what an idiot Ashley(e) is. Jacqueline gets the news in person from Albie as she's making meatballs, and doesn't seem too upset about it because this is all obviously staged. Albie does read some hilarious live-tweeting from Ashley(e), who apparently got lost in the airport while looking for Dunkin Donuts. All sorts of guests arrive for Jacqueline's meatball party, and Lauren is sad that she can only drink egg yolks. Melissa Gorga is such a bitch too, like, "Ooooh, look at all the cheese here!" Wait, but Lauren is drinking wine, though! This diet can't be all that restrictive. The Wakiles arrive followed by, you guessed it, Ashley(e). Chris interviews that trying to help Ashley(e) is a fucking waste of time, and that he and Jacqueline are at the end of their respective ropes. He plans on taking her to the airport and making sure she gets on the plane. Thank goodness poor Albie gets a reprieve, at least.
In other meatball party news, TERESA IS COMING. Caroline wants everyone to stay calm, as if. Teresa and Juicy arrive, and Teresa notes that the air is thick with shit-talk. She claims to be unafraid, however, because she can sleep with a clear conscience. She is not sure if the others can do the same. I am not sure if Teresa has -- how can I say...-- the capacity to have a conscience. Just when it seems like things might start to go down, Lauren's boyfriend Vito enters. So that distracts everyone for a while. And then Teresa has an announcement to make, but everyone is too busy talking about the meatballs to pay attention. But Teresa persists, and it turns out she has something to say about her book. She didn't write the book to offend anyone, and so apologizes to anyone who might have been offended. Cue awkward silence. Rich finally asks if Teresa is going to pull the book off the shelf and reprint it. Teresa is not, duh. And she claims to have written a lot of great things about people, too. And then poor Teresa tries to overexplain things in her somewhat vapid way, and Melissa and Joe Gorga just look around like she's a total asshole, and then Melissa says that they're willing to take one for the team if it means that Teresa can make a little extra cash. See, Melissa is so shady. I actually think that she might be the worst one. Though, I mean, they're all the worst. It really is a Sophie's choice.