Real Housewives of New Jersey

Episode Report Card
Potes: A- | 1 USERS: A+
That's a Spicy Meatball!

The men head to the man cave to play poker or watch porn or whatever, while the ladies hang out in the kitchen. As usual, the men's gathering is full of homoerotic energy, which manifests itself in some sort of argument over who's taller. And then there is a ruckus, and suddenly it's the next day and Juicy Joe has a black eye! Joe Gorga explains to Melissa what happened. Apparently, Juicy was giving Joe Gorga shit about his height, and Rich challenged Juicy to stand up next to him, and then...wait for it...Juicy attempted to grab Rich by the balls. Melissa asks a really astute question: "Why did Joe Giudice go to grab his balls?" I mean. Then we get Juicy Joe's version of the story, which is pretty much the same with the added detail that he couldn't FIND Rich's nuts. The upshot for Juicy is that Rich has pebbles for nuts. I love how the fact that he was attempting to grab another man's testicles isn't even an issue. Chris Manzo the elder tells us that both Rich and Juicy went down on the couch, and then someone's penis accidentally slid into someone else's orifice, and then Juicy got hit in the eye with a candlestick holder. I mean, it makes as much sense as anything else on this show. Rich notes that he might not be man enough to drive his big truck into a tree, but he's the one who managed to give Juicy a black eye and a bloody nose, and also teabagging. And then as the perfect capper, Juicy notices that he's cooking with a pink spoon and one of the little monsters points at him and goes, "Cause you're a girl!" It's a charmed life, truly. Meanwhile, Teresa heads off to a book singing, and Melissa theorizes that Juicy Joe acts like such a dick because he's completely emasculated.

Oh boy, and then Joseph Wakile shows up in his own living room wearing a suit. He's going to some sort of party, and is totally hoping to get laid. Because who can resist a 15-year old in a three-piece suit? Kathy, however, is monitoring more situations than Joseph would like, including his Twitter account. Apparently, some misguided soul has sent young Joseph naked photos. Joseph makes the universal symbol for "boobies" for his sister Victoria, who denounces the whole situation as disgusting. Kathy responds to the message, which gets an "LOL" from the naked offender. Rich wishes that Kathy would have let him respond, probably because he wanted to request some close-ups.

HAHAHAHA, and then Melissa Gorga is recording another song in her home studio! HAHAHAHA, I say it again! She's working with singer and songwriter Corte Ellis, who keeps his shades on indoors to help protect his identity. A thing happens when Melissa sings that makes her lips completely disappear. Now, Melissa is not what I'd call a terrible singer, but, well, I don't think she would meet proficiency requirements on a state standardized test. Corte tells her to draw inspiration from her wee husband, and she nails a section. With a fuckload of autotune. A rare talent, that one.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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