Real Housewives of New Jersey
Pokerface

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That's a Spicy Meatball!

We get another glimpse of Juicy Joe and the girls in the kitchen, and it's total madness. He doles out threats of ass-beatings, and then at one point the little mischievous one (I think it's Milania?) busts out with, "You're not a cooker, you're a hooker!" to Gia and cracks herself up. It is a pretty good line! And then all of a sudden Audriana is bleeding for some random reason. Juicy is like, "Whatever, it's fine," and the one child who has managed to escape her Neanderthal lineage tells him that he could at least wipe the blood off of her. Gia is the one who actually wipes the blood off as Juicy pours himself two glasses of wine. It's like Octomom in that house.

Chris, Albie, and Christopher (and let me tell you that this show would be much easier to recap if everyone didn't have the same freaking names) come over for dinner, which is obviously an incredibly relaxing experience. They talk about Juicy's injuries, and then Albie tells us that he found the whole fighting/wrestling/anal sex incident to be kind of weird and creepy. Juicy explains that truly his penis just accidentally fell into Rich's cavernous cavity and wagged around for a while of its own accord, and that's a perfectly normal occurrence between heterosexual married men on poker night and also he prefers the term "lovemaking," and then Albie changes the subject to the much more comfortable topic of Juicy's suspended license. Big Chris tells us that he initially felt bad when Juicy lost his license, but all sympathy was lost when he then tried to get a fake license, which is a moronic thing that is particularly unbecoming when done by a 40-year old.

Meanwhile, Teresa is signing copies of Fabulicious and dealing with crazed fans who have come from Oklahoma just to express their sympathy about her imbecilic husband. Though she's not used to people commenting about her personal life, she tells us that the gossip magazines help to keep her in the public eye, sell cookbooks, and support her family. See, Teresa's kind of smart. Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that. Send help, probably.

And then we have to endure a romantic dinner with Melissa and Joe Gorga. She has some sort of news, and Joe thinks that maybe she's pregnant. But she's not. I guess the news is that maybe they're going to have sex? What a thrilling surprise. Back at the Casa de Foreclosure, Juicy shows the Manzo boys an article about how Joe Gorga is being sued or something. Young Christopher tells us that drunk Joe Giudice used to be a lot of fun, but now he just gets sloppy and says things like -- LITERALLY -- he has the best brain next to God. This highlight of the ages is followed by a definitely lowlight in the form of Joe Gorga pouring Melissa a glass of champagne and talking about how much poison he has in him. Can't we just send all the non-Manzos on vacation to a secluded island and then have the government bomb it? I fully support a tax increase for this purpose. Finally, Melissa reveals her big surprise for the night: her song. It's called "How Many Times (Dear Joe)." She plays the track, because obviously she can't just sing this shit to him live. And here's another reason why Melissa Gorga is the worst. While the music career of the Countess LuAnn De Lesseps has been infinitely delightful precisely because she knows it's all a very magical dookie pile, Melissa Gorga totally thinks she's going to have a Grammy one day.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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