Real Housewives of New Jersey
Portrait of an Italian Family

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Fabu-lash Out

Previously: Everybody fought like cats and dogs, then they made up. Wait for the implosion in 5...4...3...2...

One afternoon in Jersey, Teresa calls Melissa as she's choosing a sexy dress for her next stage performance. While Melissa shifts her boobs and squeaks around in her liquid leggings, Teresa talks about the family portrait she's planning. Melissa says it means a lot to Joe to be included because the Giudices have taken portraits before and not invited them. Melissa says she's with her stylist and has to hang up. The minute she clicks off, the stylist is all, "Whew! You dodged a bullet not telling Teresa that I was here." Apparently the stylist works for both of them, and -- as we know -- Teresa doesn't like to share her toys. Melissa brushes it off and returns to choosing from the trash-tastic selection before her. And I quote, "Do you like the gold pants?"

Meanwhile, over at the Giudices, Milania is running amok (as usual), and Audriana is toddling around while Teresa tells Juicy about the family portrait and her hope that taking it will bring her family back to the good old days -- days that I have officially decided never actually happened. Given how fiery she and Joe are, I'm quite certain they were never as loving and close as they claim to have been. Juicy is dubious that a portrait sitting can impact any lasting change. He snarks, "I hope I can make it."

That evening, Chris's brother Jaime arrives at the Laurita house. He's a successful stylist and general celebrity associate who has achieved much success, so Jacqueline thinks he'd be a good person to talk with Bratshley before her move to L.A. Bratz says she has a lot in common with Jaime because they're both kind of the black sheep of the family . She shows him her new swallow tattoo, which represents a new beginning. Jaime warns her not to use the word "swallow" if she's ever showing the tat off to boys in bars. Chris uncomfortably clears his throat to end all this swallow talk. Instead, Bratz shows Jaime her newest tattoo, which she secretly got while the family was in Punta Cana. It's a huge feather with birds flying away from it on her right foot. Chris thinks it "looks like somebody shit on her foot." Jacqueline is irritated, and Bratz just gives one of her trademark snotty-proud looks, knowing she's succeeded with yet another little rebellious stunts.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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