Watch out New Jersey, Caroline is out on the town with two of her fifty sisters. Yes, her mother had so many old children she didn't know what to do. So in traditional fashion for large families, each of the women has differentiated themselves from the herd via their hair. This is most likely a feeble attempt to pretend they aren't related to each other. So sitting next to Caroline's redheaded mom hair, we have Frannie's blond proto-bouffant and Cookie's ashy brown shoulder length bob. I don't know why I am talking about their hair either except for the fact that it is all so remarkably different. What I really should be talking about is their drink orders! You see, Frannie wants a Diet Coke with a shot of red wine in it. While the waiter makes gagging noises, Caroline besmirches an entire culture and claims, "It's an Italian thing," and then accuses the waiter of racism for wanting to barf at the very thought. I know people in Spain and Italy drink such concoctions and people will claim it is a common summertime delight, but, first, Diet Coke is sacred and, second, shut UP.
ANYWAY: Caroline has gathered her flock, because she is so distressed about her beloved golden child Albie, who is flunking out of law school due to NO FAULT OF HIS OWN. Caroline makes sure we all know that Albie didn't actually flunk anything, but managed to maintain a 1.9 GPA, which is practically an even number. Did she mention that he has had a learning disability since junior high school? Did she mention that? I have a theory about Albie and law school: Albie would make a shite lawyer, not because of his learning disability, but because he is obviously missing something about the Great American Legal System. I mean, what first year law student in the history of first year law students DOES NOT ONCE THREATEN TO SUE THE SCHOOL FOR DISCRIMINATION? This ignorance on his part is practically unforgivable. When I was in law school (don't laugh, I have the student loans to prove it) my entire first semester was spent spotting potential torts and manufacturing impending lawsuits. You see candles on a staircase, law students see potential joint and several liability. Hell, one of my classmates got out of one of those infernal Gevalia Coffee contracts through arguing 1L contract law to the sales manager.
My point is that if Albie Manzo has not once considered suing the goddamn law school for failure to live up to its obligations to a student with a substantiated learning disability, HE IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION. This is called "issue spotting" and it's the way ambulance chasers know when they have a case. Caroline Manzo tears up as she tells her sisters about her son's valiant struggle and sweat of the brow and how she can't save him, but can hug and kiss and love him and squeeze him and call him George. Aww...I bet Albie really wishes Caroline would charge in there and knock some of the dean's heads together, but she's too busy shaving her face. Priorities, Caroline!