Real Housewives of New Jersey
Posche Spite

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Kim Possible

Watch out New Jersey, Caroline is out on the town with two of her fifty sisters. Yes, her mother had so many old children she didn't know what to do. So in traditional fashion for large families, each of the women has differentiated themselves from the herd via their hair. This is most likely a feeble attempt to pretend they aren't related to each other. So sitting next to Caroline's redheaded mom hair, we have Frannie's blond proto-bouffant and Cookie's ashy brown shoulder length bob. I don't know why I am talking about their hair either except for the fact that it is all so remarkably different. What I really should be talking about is their drink orders! You see, Frannie wants a Diet Coke with a shot of red wine in it. While the waiter makes gagging noises, Caroline besmirches an entire culture and claims, "It's an Italian thing," and then accuses the waiter of racism for wanting to barf at the very thought. I know people in Spain and Italy drink such concoctions and people will claim it is a common summertime delight, but, first, Diet Coke is sacred and, second, shut UP.

ANYWAY: Caroline has gathered her flock, because she is so distressed about her beloved golden child Albie, who is flunking out of law school due to NO FAULT OF HIS OWN. Caroline makes sure we all know that Albie didn't actually flunk anything, but managed to maintain a 1.9 GPA, which is practically an even number. Did she mention that he has had a learning disability since junior high school? Did she mention that? I have a theory about Albie and law school: Albie would make a shite lawyer, not because of his learning disability, but because he is obviously missing something about the Great American Legal System. I mean, what first year law student in the history of first year law students DOES NOT ONCE THREATEN TO SUE THE SCHOOL FOR DISCRIMINATION? This ignorance on his part is practically unforgivable. When I was in law school (don't laugh, I have the student loans to prove it) my entire first semester was spent spotting potential torts and manufacturing impending lawsuits. You see candles on a staircase, law students see potential joint and several liability. Hell, one of my classmates got out of one of those infernal Gevalia Coffee contracts through arguing 1L contract law to the sales manager.

My point is that if Albie Manzo has not once considered suing the goddamn law school for failure to live up to its obligations to a student with a substantiated learning disability, HE IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION. This is called "issue spotting" and it's the way ambulance chasers know when they have a case. Caroline Manzo tears up as she tells her sisters about her son's valiant struggle and sweat of the brow and how she can't save him, but can hug and kiss and love him and squeeze him and call him George. Aww...I bet Albie really wishes Caroline would charge in there and knock some of the dean's heads together, but she's too busy shaving her face. Priorities, Caroline!

Jacqueline and Teresa sit patiently at a restaurant for some manufactured drama to commence. They are meeting one of the Kims for a bitch n' stitch (minus the stitch, because why sew when you shop?). Obviously the subject of the session is Danielle because these women have nothing better to do than complain about a woman they would never have to see except that they signed up to do this idiotic reality show. As Kim D. finally arrives at the overly upholstered restaurant, Teresa reminds us that she doesn't want any Danielle drama in her life, except, you know, for the fact that she is contractually obligated to and she can't quit the show like Dina because SHE NEEDS THE MONEY. Kim D. reminds the ladies that she is fake friends with Danielle because she really wants to be on this show. Then she bad mouths her a little bit, contorts her lifted and tucked face into a cackle and then invites the ladies to a girl's night out and, oh by the way, Danielle will be there. Jacqueline isn't so sure it would be a good idea to go, but Teresa points out they were INVITED and thinks Kim D. would be offended if they don't show up. Teresa, how would you know if Kim D. was offended? Would she hastily erase her normal eyebrows and apply her "angry" ones to glare at you? Teresa still claims it would be nice to go and support their fake friend for the viewing public's general amusement. Also, ratings.

In case you were concerned: Danielle's rack has recovered nicely from her square tit recovery surgery. Now you can sleep at night! Danielle is all bundled up and in a tizzy and hurtling herself towards Kim D.'s supposedly luxe boutique in a strip mall next to a Big Lots store to confront her fake friend for inviting some far more popular women to a marketing event. How dare she invite customers to her fashion show! Doesn't she understand how this will affect Danielle?

Danielle marches into the store in full tantrum mode and is wildly unimpressed with her greeting by the store's lone employee. Danielle doesn't take unenthused retail service lightly, so she marches back into the store and loudly asks the woman to have Kim D. call her. She does not leave her name AND WHY SHOULD SHE? SHE IS A PAYING CUSTOMER! NOT THIS TIME! BUT ON OCCASION SHE HAS MADE PURCHASES! ON CREDIT! BUT STILL! The customer service representative remains unmoved, but Danielle flips off the camera so we know what she will be saying on her comment card. When Kim D. returns to the store, she immediately calls Danielle. Danielle won't listen to reason. She is absolutely certain that Kim D. assigned her bored employee the sole task of acting like a bored employee in Danielle's general direction. Danielle KNOWS Kim D. psychically knew that Danielle was coming to the store and disappeared so Danielle would have to interact with the help. This is an affront Danielle cannot stomach! Especially after that last tummy tuck. But fear not, Kim D.! Danielle has a solution: She will save the friendship by never shopping at her store again. Problem solved! La di dah! Danielle tromps off in a glow of knowing that she did the Right Thing and saved the friendship. Later Danielle makes it clear that she didn't want Kim D. to know that she was hurt that she invited Teresa and Jacqueline to the show, so this was a far better way to handle the situation. Holy hell, Danielle is full on bat shit crazy and if she's not she is going to have to have a long talk with the editing department.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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