Real Housewives of New Jersey

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Oh for fuck's sake. Much like the mafia, you think you're out of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but they just pull you right back in. While it was the season finale last week, SURPRISE! It's the reunion special! And not just a one-time affair, oh no, it's two parts because clearly all the insanity can't fit into one hour of television. So whip up a batch of Diet Coke and Barolo (try not to blow anything up this time) and settle into your leopard print papasan to watch the brawl.

Andy Cohen's voice rings out: These women have not been under the same roof in over a year. Let's bring them together under the vaunted roof of the Borgata, who was undoubtedly paid a very hefty security deposit for allowing these women access. They probably bolted the tables to the floor, too. Andy Cohen looks ...tense as he pretends to smile at the women splayed out around him like greyhounds (spray tanned, beadazzled, leopard print, weave wearing, siliconed greyhounds) ready to leap out of the cages and START THIS THING.

Jacqueline and Teresa are on one side, Caroline and Danielle on the other. Andy is wearing a glossy purple tie hoping to distract the ladies with something shiny when they get rambunctious. He starts the proceedings with a question about Jersey. You see, the Real Housewives of New Jersey were the ORIGINATORS of the New Jersey trend that has spawned Jersey Shore, Jersey Couture, and god knows what other Jersey-themed shows are in the works on those wacky networks. IT'S THEIR FAULT. Burn the witches! Andy Cohen wants to talk politics, which much like religion are verboten topics for dinner parties, but he plunges right in: The Governor of New Jersey thinks Jersey Shore is vile and misrepresentative of the Garden State. So, who watches the show? Teresa claims she watched it once, at a friend's house, and, uh, she really prefers to read, Houellebecq and sometimes Paglia in her free time. Teresa stops herself from talking about philosophy and critical theory for fear of ruining her reputation and instead denounces Jersey Shore for promoting promiscuity among the GTL-set.

Speaking of promiscuity at the Jersey Shore, Danielle once slept with a guy at the shore while her children were in the same house! SHAME!!! Danielle blinks a few times, because WHOA did you see the segue on that woman? And who knew Teresa was going to bring the crazy so damn early in the proceedings? I mean, yes, we could have guessed, but still. Maybe someone fed her, like, twelve Red Bulls before she got on stage. Teresa is looking a little frumpy and her hair is flattened and maybe the baby isn't sleeping through the night yet and Teresa is feeling a little COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE. Danielle is still blinking trying to calculate Teresa's zero to complete bitch speed. She finally mumbles, "You're really insane." Which is accurate, but also a huge understatement.

Danielle adds that Teresa never has anything nice to say and Teresa denies this because they used to be friends! BFF! Or at least BFF-ish and like Tyler Perry says, it's a thin line between love and hate. Then Jacqueline and Teresa start jumping up and down on the couch about how Danielle had sex and The Children overheard it and it was at Teresa's beach house and it was troubling for The Children. I would blame cheap home construction for that, but Teresa would probably throw a table at me. Danielle is remaining Very Calm while Teresa and Jacqueline talk about her sex life on national television whilst pretending they WOULD NEVER talk about her private life on national television. Andy Cohen attempts to change the subject.

The next question is: Why do you women talk like troglodytic idiots? They have the clips to prove it, including Danielle's frequent use of "woman" instead of "women" and Teresa's many, many verbal gaffes. Danielle and Teresa both mouth along to Andy Cohen's Queen's English, but Teresa quickly gives up and decides to OWN her stupidity. She likes having her own language, it makes her unique. Also, stupid.

Andy decides to talk babies, because who can talk smack about babies, right? He introduces us to Baby Nicholas and Teresa's hilarious Ow! Ow! Ow! birth scene for Audriana. It also shows off Teresa's insane collection of French prostitute baby hats. Everyone looks teary eyed, so Andy decides to ruin the mood: Danielle, why didn't you congratulate Jacqueline on her baby? Danielle coolly remarks that Jacqueline instructed her via published notice not to come near her. Jacqueline barks that they made up afterwards and Danielle still never mentioned her new addition. Danielle calmly congratulates Jacqueline on her new and very attractive son. Jacqueline asks her not to hit on her son ...or come near him. Whee! This is fun.

Let's talk Dina! Teresa blames Danielle for Dina's departure. During the last reunion show Caroline and Dina accused Danielle of something, but they never clarified what it was. Andy asks if someone can explain. Danielle says she later found out that it was that she tried to take Dina's daughter away. Um...WHAT?! Danielle claims it was a total fabrication, but Caroline's face believes it is ALL TRUE. Jacqueline and Teresa are grinding their teeth and growling as Danielle points out that it was all a lie and she doesn't care about Dina's daughter. The other three ladies are all bouncing out of their skin dying to talk, but Jacqueline I think points out that Danielle placed a "silencer" on Dina so she couldn't talk about it. I am going to assume she doesn't mean a gun, because even drama-loving Bravo wouldn't allow a gun toting criminal on TV (that's VH1's niche), but, perhaps a gag order?

After a lot more screaming and calling of Danielle garbage, Andy sums it up: Danielle got a gag order on Dina. Caroline, Teresa, and Jacqueline are all screaming and talking over each other about how evil Danielle is and Caroline is demanding that Danielle Never Talk About Her Sister. But, ladies? What judge is going to put a gag order on someone telling the truth? Is that not important? That said, if Danielle really did try and take Dina's daughter away, WHOA. That has risen to a whole new level of Crazy Bitch. My guess? Dina has a crazy ex who really didn't want their daughter on the show. I bet Danielle helped his lawsuit in some way and the judge placed a gag order on the whole proceeding for the protection of the poor poor child's well being.

Andy shoots everyone with a tranquilizer dart and tries to get the interview back on track. No luck! Danielle asks Teresa if she ever "acknowledged her nephew" and I don't think anyone knows what Danielle is getting at, but Teresa jumps out of her seat, sticks her finger in Danielle's face and starts screaming either "Don't bring up my family!" or "Don't break up my family!" And then lets loose a blue streak of f-bombs, mother f-bombs, bitches. She is inches from Danielle's face when Danielle gets up to leave. Andy grabs Teresa and then SHE SHOVES HIM BACK IN HIS SEAT. She is still screaming after Danielle and trying to lunge after her. Hopefully Andy got hazard pay for this episode, because he once again enters the fray and bravely holds her back. Caroline comes up to help slap some sense into her. But Teresa entered Thermo-Nuclear Meltdown mode and has completely lost it and is just screaming, "She's a bitch!" over and over and trying to toss throw pillows in Danielle's general direction. This is very relaxing television.

So who is this nephew who is so frenzy inducing? I Googled it and the rumor is: That slab of donkey meat that Teresa has married may have knocked up her sister! Or her friend! Or no one at all! Either way, everyone looks Really Classy. Truly an impressive display all around. Danielle must have been dying to let that little nugget rip. I mean, that probably gave her three hours of giggle fits. In fact, she is probably giggling back stage right now.

Obviously Teresa needs a Time Out. She heads off camera to talk to her consigliere, who is, naturally, her hairdresser. Teresa has scarcely ca

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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