Real Housewives of New Jersey

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lmed down at all, but returns to the couch to holler some more. When Andy goes back to talk to Danielle, she tells him she is not going back out there unless Teresa is duct-taped to the couch or Jailbird Danny and his feathered hair get to stand on stage. I made up that last part, because I think Danny is suing her now.

Andy promises that Teresa won't hit her, but Danielle looks doubtful, because Teresa threw Andy off of her like he was a Gap sweatshirt at a Prada sample sale. Outside the dressing room, Teresa is screaming: YOU MAKE HER COME BACK HERE, ANDY! YOU MAKE HER! Danielle is being soothed by HER hairdresser as well as her "music partner" now. Eventually she comes back to the couch with not a hair (extension) out of place. Andy asks some ridiculous question about Danielle helping Jacqueline get pregnant, where Jacqueline denies it all and Danielle makes her "I hate you" face while asking for a simple thank you.

Andy changes the subject to talk about how Caroline is everyone's favorite mother and her struggles with her Golden Boy Albie flunking out of law school. She tears up watching the trials of Albert, Jr. and then opines that she hopes he becomes President of the United States. If that happens, please kill me. Suicide pact? Also, I'm not sure if the White House can handle The Ham Game. Who wants to talk about the ham game when we can talk about Joe Giudice hiding the salami with Teresa's sister? Moving on! Caroline, shaving enthusiast, defends her preferred facial exfoliating technique, but not even Bravo Andy is buying it. Just admit that you're half monkey, Caroline! Admit it! No? Maybe in Reunion, Part 2?

Andy wants to talk about Danielle's daughters, Jillian the singer-songwriter and Christine the model and Teresa's four darling French hookers. Danielle says some nice things about Teresa's children, but Teresa is so dead-behind-the-eyes at this point (perhaps plotting Joe's imminent demise) that it doesn't even register. Then Andy reads out Danielle's comments about dressing her little girls in crinoline and lace and her dogs in leopard print. Danielle pretends that this was in no way comparing Teresa's children to tiny tiny yappy dogs. LIES! Teresa's children are dressed like French prostitutes most of the time and tiny tiny yappy dogs sometimes get dressed like the Gorton's fisherman. You know, when it's raining. Caroline confirms that she thinks Danielle's children lack any light in their eyes, which is true. Jacqueline asks Danielle if she knows that her daughters cry at school every day? Danielle has no comment other than, "Teenagers!" If true, that is very sad, but the Manzos, Giudice and Lauritas have to take some of the blame for the rumors that start in the hotbed of Chateau's manicure room that end up making the girls cry.

Teresa's Klonopin has apparently kicked in because she is ready to smile politely when Andy asks her if menstruating women really ruin the pasta sauce. FACT! Teresa firmly stands by this. It will also ruin the wine that Joe makes in their marble-lined wine stomping room. Andy expresses shock that Joe makes his own wine, because, um...WHAT? Teresa nods vigorously as if this is the most obvious thing that Joe would be doing in his spare time from the marble, concrete, and pizza making business.

Andy then takes us on a clip tour of Teresa spending Joe's hard-earned cash. It is an impressive tour from Gia's pink limousine spa birthday to their Playboy-bunny-and-fire-breather housewarming party to her anniversary ring that was a sapphire, not a diamond. She's not made of money, you know! Andy flat out asks Teresa: Is her home in foreclosure? Teresa says no. Andy then starts listing the court filings as quoted in the New York Post. Teresa claims it is all lies, except for the bankruptcy part. Teresa claims Joe misled her about their financial situation and she would have changed her spending habits if she had known. Jacqueline and Caroline look uncomfortable as Andy lists off Teresa's debt, but Jacqueline claims that Teresa started working as soon as she found out. It's unclear whether she means working, like, at a job, or whether she means working as in not shopping EVERY day. Finally Andy asks Teresa about Joe's DUI. Caroline and Teresa and Jacqueline all think Joe fell asleep at the wheel, woke up in his destroyed vehicle, and went to get soused. Danielle expresses some VERY REASONABLE doubt about getting drunk before the cops arrive. I mean, even Joe isn't that stupid, right? ...Wait.

Andy asks Danielle if she is a troublemaker and she agrees that she might be. We then get a series of clips meant to help us parse whether Danielle is a victim or a bully. I am pretty sure she is a sociopath who thinks she is a victim and hopefully she will ride out into the sunset on a pink unicorn in a bath of light and love. The clip show starts with Danielle discussing forgiveness with her priest. We see Teresa make a face, because the last time she talked to a priest it was praying for the Lord God Almighty to save her beloved home from foreclosure. Also, Easter. Also also, confessing to her plan to murder a certain Joe Giudice.

In the clips we see a lot of Danielle and Jailbird Danny's beautifully feathered hair. We also see Kim G. pretending she is totally down with hanging out with parolees from Danielle's past criminal enterprises. Also, Danielle's ass crack. Also also, the diner where Danielle lives. Andy asks about Danielle's relationship with Danny and Jacqueline starts making her trademark snide passive aggressive comments about how Danny WAS married and now he's not. Danielle confirms that Danny filed for divorce. Just guessing that his wife was a-okay with that. I mean, who wants to fight over hair products with her husband? Danielle explains that she hung out with Danny during taping and that was it. Like I said, I'm pretty sure he's suing her. Or she's suing him. Either way, they aren't exactly fornicating or getting Panini.

Andy asks Danielle about her reclaimed virginity and her potential muff muncher status. Danielle agrees that she reclaimed her virginity, for awhile, but then plays very coy about her relationship with "lesbian superstar" Lori Michaels, but despite Andy's best efforts, won't flat out say she's gone gay. Except she totally does. Jacqueline finds it all very entertaining. Danielle confirms that there are two sex tapes starring her. One is available for purchase online right now! Help pay Danielle's legal bills! Because she is defending a defamation suit regarding the other tape filmed by stand up guy, Steve, Teresa's friend. Jacqueline confesses that she totally watched Danielle's sex tape, which is ...weird. Right? Like would you watch a sex tape with someone you knew? I wouldn't.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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