In any case, Lauren Manzo gets trotted out to show off her new lap band. I don't know, I think she looks kind of the same. Lauren tells Andy that she was becoming a monster, and it was because she was unhappy with her weight. To make matters worse, as a public figure (kind of) she had to deal with people on Twitter calling her fat and disgusting. That was totally Teresa. Anyway, she decided to get the lap band and has lost 35 pounds so far. She exercises, too, I think just so nobody can say that she doesn't work hard.
Oooh, and then a viewer calls Caroline out on her shit by asking why she said she couldn't relate to Lauren's weight struggle when in fact she was heavy during season one and lost a lot of weight. Caroline says that when she was younger, she was skinny like Melissa, and she didn't gain weight until she was older. She talks about Lauren needing to gain self-confidence and how she, Caroline, would tell her how beautiful and special she was. Andy calls bullshit, noting that she was awfully harsh and direct with Lauren. Caroline does not think that this contributed to Lauren's lack of self-esteem. Plus, Caroline only called Lauren an asshole behind her back. Mother of the year!
A viewer asks Teresa what she thinks of Caroline as a mother. Teresa says that the Manzo spawn are great. The only criticism she has of them is that they don't have real jobs. I mean, she may not be wrong on that point. In response, Caroline calls Teresa a fool, and then gets "talk to the hand"-y. Somewhat out of context, Teresa tells Caroline that she has three rolls: blubber, blubber and blubber. Caroline says that she wears them proudly, and Teresa responds, "With a tummy tuck!" Oooh, now shit is getting real. Caroline admits that she had a tummy tuck when she as 39. But, she says, she has no Botox or fillers or facelifts. Teresa suggests that she might consider getting some elective surgery, and Lauren then says that Teresa's comments (figuratively) are the reason why people out there kill themselves.
Teresa asks why Lauren got a lap band, and Lauren says, "Because of dickheads like you, Teresa," which actually cracks Caroline up. Oh, damn, and then Lauren references Teresa's Bravo blog, which expressed sympathy for how Caroline spoke to Lauren. I mean, as a rule Teresa generally should shut up, but I think many of us can co-sign on that one. Lauren says that she feels sorry for Teresa's kids, and that when she was nine she wasn't accusing her father of cheating like Gia is. And THEN she calls Teresa out for having ghostwritten blogs. She asks her to spell and define napalm, which is apparently a word used in one of Teresa's blogs. I mean, the fact that Teresa's blog isn't a giant shaky "X" every week is enough to assure us that she has a ghostwriter.