Real Housewives of New Jersey
Reunion Part 3

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Reunited and It Feels So Bad

And then it's time to talk about all of Juicy's legal woes! Can you believe we're spending this much time on The Human Thumb? So, first Juicy lost his license, and then he went and tried to get a fake ID with his brother's info like a freaking moronic 16 year old. And then we learned that in New Jersey you don't say "jail," you say, "going away." Andy asks about the state of the fake ID case, and with prompting from Teresa, Juicy tells him to go talk to his lawyer. Jacqueline busts in to say that Juicy asked Chris about getting the fake ID initially, and Chris told him not to do it. This allows Teresa the opportunity to scream, "Heckyll and Jyde!" Unfortunately for her, those innocent days when we could be charmed by non-words like "ingredientses" are long past. Juicy imparts the wisdom, told to him by his lawyer, that you could indict a ham sandwich. I'd say he's more the human equivalent of mortadella. Andy keeps trying to get Juicy to react, to no avail. Even when he points out that Juicy could "go away" for ten years, Juicy just says, "Yeah, whatever." I feel like he'd actually ENJOY prison compared to his current life. Just getting to work out and grab other guys' crotches all day and eat food covered in gray gravy.

But Andy Cohen will NOT let it go! It turns out he's rather personally offended that he had to read about this issue in In Touch. That article was about the possibility of Juicy going away, and how scared Teresa was and so on. He wonders what the difference is between this tabloid article and the story coming up on the show, which seemed to really make Teresa angry. Teresa says that she asked her family not to bring it up. This is not flying with the rest of the ladies. Juicy Joe speaks for us all (only this once) when he says, "These MAGAZINES." Andy still doesn't get why it's okay to talk about it in a magazine but not on the show, and Teresa busts out with, "Andy. Am I speaking CHINESE?" If she were speaking Chinese she would likely be much more intelligible. She reiterates that she asked her family not to talk about it on the show. Melissa says that they asked Teresa not to refer to her sister-in-law as a stripper or a gold digger, and that didn't go so well either.

And then it's time to talk about being strippers. Because on this show, when isn't it time to talk about being strippers? Juicy doesn't care if Melissa was ever a stripper or not, which I think we all could have guessed. For some reason this triggers Jacqueline to come out of her Xanax haze briefly, and she demands to know if Chris told Juicy that he met her as a stripper. The story as Juicy knows it, allegedly from Chris himself, is that he met Jacqueline in Vegas while he was still engaged. Jacqueline screams that they met at a trade show in Chicago. (For stripper poles, I assume.) The upshot is that Jacqueline thinks Juicy is a piece of lowlife shit, and hopes he goes to jail. Juicy thinks that everyone's husband is a momo. What the hell is a momo? Do I even want to know? I suspect that I am the biggest momo of all for recapping 23 episodes of this show.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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