Then Andy reads Teresa's blog post about Kim G.'s old lady butt crack and Kim G. gets upset and she and Teresa get in a spit fight over Jacqueline's body. In short, Teresa called Kim G.'s ass aged and Kim G. called her a broke ass bitch. ALL TRUE, PEOPLE! Then Andy dismisses Kim G. from the couch and hopefully (fingers crossed!) off my television set FOREVER. Andy then makes Teresa, Caroline, and Jacqueline all pinkyswear to Danielle that they did not know that Kim G. was coming on the show. Danielle doesn't believe it anyway.
Andy reminds us that the season finale focused on the meeting of two matriarchs, Danielle and Caroline. They replay the entire fight with Caroline spewing weird aphorisms, Danielle staring blankly, and Teresa making crazyface in the bottom of the screen. Andy wants to focus on the least interesting part of the encounter, of course, namely that Danielle brought armed guards to the meeting. Danielle tries to explain that she felt threatened, but Caroline doesn't let her finish because that would be uncharacteristic. Then Jacqueline apologizes to Danielle for how out-of-control everything has gotten and then they both remember that they were once friends and had a relationship and then they negotiate some form of détente and agree to never see each other again, like England and the United States. Then Danielle tearfully apologizes about her treatment of Ashley, because she really does care about the fate of that wayward teen. All she ever wanted was an apology. Jacqueline and Danielle talk over each other for a while and Caroline tries not to sneer and Teresa tries not to barf.
After an hour and fifteen minutes of super-sized Real Housewives fun (?) we are in the final stretch. Danielle apologizes to Jacqueline and wishes all the best to her and her family. Then Teresa is starting to feel ignored so she blurts that she has four beautiful daughters. Danielle then shoots off the couch and hugs her because she is so clearly crazy and starved for attention. Then Danielle hugs Jacqueline for a very long time and whispers a whole bunch of love and light and apologies into her ear while Teresa faints, Andy looks stunned, and Caroline risks spraining her eyes again. Eventually Jacqueline starts looking around for help and blinking "S-O-S" in Morse code because Danielle is not letting up and the hug is starting to look like a sleeper hold. Then Danielle returns to her seat and Caroline denounces the whole thing as a load of horseshit. Then Danielle and Caroline confess that they don't like each other at all. With that (and without any acknowledgment that Danielle is not coming back next year), Bravo Andy thanks us for our eyeballs, brain cells, and the hours of our lives sacrificed at the altar of Bravo television. See you next season, bitches!