Real Housewives of New Jersey
Scum One, Scum All

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 27 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
That's (The Opposite Of) Amore

Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: There were once two unfortunates named Steve and Stephanie who facilitated a game of family-hate Twister in the Adirondikes. Chaos, accusations of scumminess, and fisticuffs ensued.

We enter with a bit of a replay of the climactic moments from last week's episode, in which Teresa called Melissa poison and told Joe he was disappointing their family, and then they played shame on you/shame on you, and Joe very pointedly called Teresa scum. Kathy was all, "Thatz not right!" and Teresa went out to recount the situation to Juicy, who was coincidentally talking about how one day he's going to totally lose his shit and make Joe Gorga into a meatball sub. The most hilarious part of all this is how Steve and Stephanie are just there, looking on while Joes Giudice and Gorga start wailing on each other. Teresa runs out of the room as Melissa screams at her to help her brother, and the following is captioned as she scampers off, "Call the cops! Ugh." I just love the thoroughness of the "ugh." And really: ugh, indeed. Everyone is trying to break up the Joes, and Juicy exclaims that Joe Gorga is biting his nuts. Well, finally we have gotten down to the enduring root of the tension all these years.

It's hard to tell exactly what's going on in this human thumb wrestling match, but at one point it looks like Joe Gorga reaches up and attempts to pluck out Juicy's eyeball. Not quite as thorough as the nut-biting strategy, but a good effort nonetheless. Eventually the two are broken up, and for some reason Melissa runs over and puts Joe's hat back on his head. Why that is a priority in this moment, I do not know. A security guard is in the room, which is probably for the best. Joe Gorga interviews in typical dramatic fashion that he has ten years of hate against Joe Giudice, who has put a wedge between him and his parents. Any opportunity that he has to go against Juicy, he will take in nut-biting fashion.

As the two Joes catch their breath, Juicy invites Joe Gorga to come over and suck it if he wants. Steve puts his hand on his chin briefly in thoughtful repose. I'm sure his ruminations have something to do with how this actually may not be the great PR opportunity that he had envisioned. Teresa wants to leave, and Melissa starts screaming at her because she left the room instead of trying to break up the Joes. Her exit seemed to coincide with the influx of security, so in fact I don't think it was as disgusting as Melissa claims. Stephanie just stands around with an awkward look. I don't know about you, but I am totally obsessed with Steve and Stephanie. I feel like Andy Cohen should give them their own show, where they just lurk ineffectively during all sorts of violent encounters. Like, there's a bear eating a guy and they're just behind a tree, pulling up their socks.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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