Real Housewives of New Jersey
Sealed with a Diss

Episode Report Card
Potes: A | 1 USERS: A+
The Right Ingredientses

Teresa heads to Divine Studio in New York, where food stylist Jamie Kimm is whipping up some items from her forthcoming cookbook. Jennifer Kasius, the executive editor of Running Press, is there, along with creative director Frances Soo Ping Chow. She just introduces herself as "Frances," with no last name, because she's an intuitive person like that. Ben Fink and his baby handlebar moustache are photographing the food. Teresa looks at what they've done so far, noting that when she makes drumsticks they're "more browner" and that the Juicy Joe's meatballs need more sauce. Despite not saying a word, the food stylist is perhaps my favorite person ever to appear on this show. Teresa explains that her first cookbook, Skinny Italian, was a nine-week best seller, and so she's hoping to repeat the magic with her new cookbook, Fabulicious. She explains how the word "fabulicious" came into being, which I'm sure you already know, because if you're watching the third season of this show you're already fluent in Moron.

Teresa asks Jennifer what she thinks of the recipes, and Jennifer says that they're great in part because there are no fancy ingredients. Teresa jumps on this, stating that simplicity is the hallmark of the Gorga clan. When she first got married, she says, she would buy cookbooks and there would be a million -- wait for it -- ingredientses. Yes, AutoCorrect, ingredientses is indeed what I mean to say. The reaction shot from Jennifer and Frances here is priceless. Teresa continues that these cookbooks had so many ingredientses that Italians never use. You know, like cumin, which she pronounces as "comin'." The food stylist does actually say a word, and it is cumin, correctly pronounced. Teresa doesn't care, though, because she is nothing if not a language innovator. The photographer somehow seems to speak fluent Teresa, or maybe just manages to seduce her with a twirl of his mini-mustachio.

Just then, Juicy Joe calls Teresa to let her know that he saw her brother, Caveman Joe, as he was leaving the gym. These people belong to the same gym? They must sell steroids out of the gumball machines there. Teresa tries to get Juicy to say that he loves Caveman Joe, because he's Teresa's brother, but Juicy will not do it. In fact, he says that he should "f" Joe Gorga up. I wish those two would just buttfuck already and get it over with. The photographer laughs nervously, and then steers Teresa back to work.

We now turn to Melissa, who is cooking while her son stabs his sister in the face with a fork. It's a metaphor! Caveman Joe returns home, and hugs his daughter Antonia, ignoring the fork tine holes in her face. Joe also gives Melissa the cold shoulder, apparently because she denied him the sexytime. She explains that she was exhausted from the fashion show, but Caveman Joe is not hearing it. She says she was tired, and he says that she should wake up for him. I actually think that heavy sedatives would be the only way to get through that. Melissa says that it's only been three days, and Joe says been five. He adds that he's got so much stress and now has all this "poison" in his body. He then says that stress will kill a man, and he'll be dead by the time he's 38. That's really Melissa's best case scenario, right? Antonia thinks that her dad wants to watch more TV, and then Melissa wonders if Caveman Joe is on his period. I think he should be sent to the red tent, just in case. Once Joe stops complaining about his sex needs for a minute, Melissa explains the drama at the fashion show, and does a pretty serviceable Teresa impression in the process. Melissa obviously takes Kathy's side in the matter, and says that she was just trying to fix things and make peace. Joe says that there's nothing to fix, and then it's blah blah blah family blah for some minutes. Melissa seems to be on the side of at least giving reconciliation a chance, and Caveman Joe is typically monosyllabic in response.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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