Real Housewives of New Jersey
Singing in the Pain

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Lady Lola: B | Grade It Now!
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Little Lady Sings the Blues

Elsewhere, Lauren welcomes Vito over. They're spending the night in. Christopher interviews that this homebody dynamic is what makes him not want to have a girlfriend. Underscoring their complete lack of sexiness, the music supervisors have overlaid a "Sexual Healing" knock-off orchestration as Vito shows Lauren how to prepare homemade mozzarella. Lauren says (I'm guessing ironically) that she feels like Demi Moore in Ghost with Vito as her Patrick Swayze. Just in case you took her comments too literally, she clarifies, "Except Vito's not dead." Vito asks how Lauren felt about her opening. She admits that insecurities about her physical appearance tainted the night for her. Vito tries to tell her that he thinks she looks great, but she thinks he has to say that. Lauren compares herself to her handsome, in-shape brothers and admits she's afraid she'll always be fat.

Meanwhile, the Joeboken crew have made their way to a club, and Joe has perched himself on Greg's shoulders to announce, "Hid your kids, hide your wife because Joeboken's in town!" Once Greg finally gets that gorilla off his back, he goes to invite Melissa for a bathing suit buying bonding sesh. He thinks she should rock the heels with her bathing suits so she can look better than Teresa. Melissa replies cattily, "Whatever, that's like so easy." Greg laughs wickedly. Joe comes a-slurrin' over telling Greg he's the only guy who can "rub up on" Melissa. Then comes the creepy. He tells Greg, "Fondle her. I wanna see." Melissa shuts that idea down and turns her focus to finding Albie a club rat to hook up with. Joe joins the quest, saying, "Albie needs a girl that will throw pots at him. A spiceful [sic] girl. My wife may look innocent, but she's a beast. And I love it." As the shots flow, we learn that Joe calls his weenis Tarzan and that Tarzan is peen-scaped. That is all.

The next day, Teresa prepares Milania for her birthday. By which I mean she tries various outfits and accessories on Milania, who acts like a raging bitch about everything. When Milania insists on wearing a dress she's already worn before (God forbid!), Teresa says no, so Milania stomps her little knee-high high-topped self into the next room and flops down under the bed to have a crying jag. Teresa defines this behavior as "full of energy" and gives in to the five-year-old's terrorist-like demands. Though she thinks the princess pink tulle monstrosity is too fancy for the party, she can't help but squeal with excitement at how cute her daughter looks and say, "Princess Milania, I'm at your service." That's a way to teach a kid who's boss.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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