Real Housewives of New Jersey
Sit Down and Man Up

Episode Report Card
Potes: B- | Grade It Now!
Man Caved

Back with the Giudices, Joe criticizes Teresa's driving. In turn, she really should criticize the alcoholism and idiocy that led to him losing his license. They land at America's oldest winery. Is that the actual name of the place? Or does this winery just not want its real name associated with the Giudice Fabellini empire? Winery marketing director Colleen Hughes greets Teresa and Joe, and they then meet with enologist Cesar Baeza. Enology, Cesar explains to a dead-eyed Teresa, is the science of winemaking. As Joe and Teresa talk to Cesar about what they're looking for, Teresa drops an "ingredientses" bomb. And yes, AutoCorrect, I meant to say "ingredientses." (AutoCorrect weeps.) Joe has lots of opinions about how peachy the bellini should be, and basically everyone in the room (and at home in the viewing audience) wants him to shut up. When will these ladies know to leave their disgusting husbands at home? As Joe talks about how he's able to drink this copious amount of bellinis because it's Thursday, and he's promised himself not to drink during the other weekdays. Colleen notes that it's a good thing that they've arranged a car to drive the Giudices home. This is why America's oldest winery (or America's Oldest Winery?) sent its marketing director along for this shitshow.

After a break, Melissa wonders whether she should get lip injections. Her makeup artist is all for it. I am for it if the injections are poisonous, and she kisses everyone on this show before kicking it herself. I want the final season of this show to be like Macbeth. Melissa is doing a photo shoot, and tries to convince us that there's ever a time when she doesn't want to be half-naked in front of the cameras. You know, she's typically so modest, which is why she makes orgasm noises while doing the shoot. Joe Gorga tells us that he loves it when his wife looks like a whore, which is something I think we've inferred pretty solidly over the course of our televisual relationship with him. As all over her stylists and photographers tell her to sex it up, Antonia looks on with a certain wave of trauma crossing her face. Melissa reminds us that she doesn't want to be a porn star, she wants to be a rock star. A little from column A, a little from column B.

And, wow. Then we go with Teresa and Joe to one of Teresa's book signings, in a bakery. There is a line of people down the block waiting to see her, which Teresa says speaks to "what" she's "accomplished" as an "author." I think it probably says a lot about us as a nation. As Teresa is genuinely kind of lovely to her fans, Joe has a drink with someone behind closed doors. Of course his microphone is still on, and when his mystery friend asks if Joe still has the pizzeria, Joe says, "I was never there... I didn't even know what the hell was going on. I didn't do shit." I mean, huge surprise. Oh God, and then Caroline Manzo has to give her opinion on matters, saying that Teresa placed impossible demands on Joe because she wanted it all, which led to Joe's horrendous business decisions and ultimate bankruptcy, and now he resents her for it. And, she says, Joe is now going to pay the ultimate price. Her prediction is that Joe is going to go to jail, and Teresa will divorce him and say she's going to have to show her daughters how to be strong and independent and do it on your own and survive. Caroline says that there's a book there somewhere. No, there's a spin-off, you bitter old bat, and it may even be better than Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding. I will say that you'd have to hate Teresa A LOT to express any sympathy for Joe Giudice.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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