Real Housewives of New Jersey
Spoiled Sports

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Previously on Masterpiece Classics Presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Lauren is on a diet, and as often happens when people don't eat, she's in a bit of a wicked mood. The Gorgas and Giudices were the collective worst, per usual. And ha! Joe Gorga called himself an angel from God. I mean, obviously. Who else but an angel of God would say "Fuck you, bitch" to his beloved sister as he stormed off?

We begin the episode with Teresa recounting the pool party conversation with her brother to supreme Neanderthal Juicy Joe. Being the kind, supportive spouse that we know him to be, Juicy calls her a fucking idiot for even talking to her brother. He goes on an expletive-laden account of how he, who I believe is the self-proclaimed smartest person since Jesus, would have shown Joe Gorga the hand. Juicy would have told Joe Gorga to go talk to someone who has his mentality. Uhhhhhhhhh. I mean. I guess I would say these mental giants are all equally matched? Teresa uses this as an example of why you shouldn't tell your husband everything. Like, how you shouldn't tell your husband that you're packing up and taking the four kids to a safe house in the middle of the night and leaving him with the pet wolves and the house in foreclosure. Teresa adds that Juicy is also a Gemini, which I guess is the sign of reprehensible assholes. Sorry, Geminis!

Juicy tells Teresa that Joe and Melissa are not welcome in their house, and that they'll never get along with those jealous, no-good idiots. As Teresa starts to protest on behalf of the kids being able to play together, Juicy Joe says, and I quoth, "When I say something, you fucking listen. And shut up." Oh, poor Teresa! I want her to be strategic, and realize that if she divorces this lunk and starts over as a single mom with four kids, she'll totally get a spin-off. She does tell Juicy not to tell her to shut up, especially on camera. And then he gets hostile about her parents as well, and says that if she tries to get him around her family, he'll leave her. OH MY GOD, DO IT. Everyone will be better off! Teresa defends him in an interview, saying that that's not what he means, and that he just babbles when he's angry, and they hardly ever fight. I'm okay with babbling generally, but if that babbling takes the form of, "When I say something, you fucking listen," we're going to have a bit of a problem. But wait, there's more! What more loving words could a dedicated wife hope to hear from her husband than, "Fuck you and your fucking family." I am actually worried about Teresa at this point. And everyone hates her too much to stage an intervention!

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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