Jacqueline and Chris are heading to dinner at the Giudice's because Joe was in a car accident and they have to mock him. The public shaming that is TMZ will not suffice in this situation. As Teresa, Joe, Chris, and Jacqueline split four bottles of wine between them, Jacqueline swears that they were out to dinner with Joe and Teresa the night of the accident and Joe wasn't drunk, wasn't really drinking and she is shocked, shocked! Jacqueline may also be shocked to learn that Joe ran into a pole, which was most likely stationary at the time of the accident and was probably not drinking either.
She may also be surprised that according to trusted news source TMZ, not only was Joe charged with DWI based on blood tests taken in the hospital (read: hours after the accident), but he was also arrested for outstanding warrants! That slab of mortadella gets in some big trouble! But drink up! Laugh! It doesn't get any funnier than this! That's what the Romans did while their civilization was crumbling, and it totally worked for them!
Over at the Oakland Diner which is like an annex to Danielle's living room, but with fewer dogs and better food, Danielle meets Jailbird Danny for a smoothie. She stops in once a day for a smoothie because blueberries are antioxidants and chewing causes wrinkles. TMYK! Thanks for the beauty tips, Danielle. When can I buy your patented anti-aging mood stabilizing smoothies on QVC? Danny tells her the good news: Joe Giudice got a DWI! Danielle purses her lips and then gives in to an actual smile and then rubs her face down with Retin A to undo the damage. Danielle reports that Joe was drunk driving at 2 a.m. instead of being at home with his four daughters and his wife.
Cut to Joe who is offering his side of the story to Jacqueline and Chris. Wait...I thought they were out to dinner with him? Anyway, after dinner Joe goes to collect on some investments at a strip club (just guessing!) and was tired and took a little nap (just for a second!) and then decided to mow down some trees with his car (civic duty!) and then hit a pole (life insurance scam!). He pulled himself out of the wreckage, walked to his dad's house, and then had four shots of Scotch so everyone would think he was a drunk driver and not an insurance fraud. He'll come back to that plan later. Only Jacqueline believes that he started drinking after the accident and before the cops came. Not even a slab of mortadella is that stupid. Or is it? Teresa thanks the little baby Jesus and Marie Antoinette that Joe was saved.