Real Housewives of New Jersey

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The Hills Have Eyes

You may have spent the whole week working, but the Manzo/Giudice/Laurita Love Boat is still cruising towards Naples and, hopefully. a Mafioso hit on Joe Giudice. I mean, THAT would make a dramatic season finale, right? Not that this is the season finale, because this show is going to go on forever and ever until we all die of boredom or Teresa crushes us under a table or we suffocate under an avalanche of pink-sequined tulle or Danielle has us all gunned down at the hands of Jailbird Danny for ruining her chance at rebirth as the Bodhisattva of Juvederm. But, to be clear, this is not the season finale, no matter how much we all wish it was.

The cruise boat docks in Naples, and everyone prepares to use the thoughtfully provided can openers to pry themselves out of their cabins. Joe has been forced to carry 45 pieces of luggage of every shape but in varying shades of pink and Burberry check imaginable. He is so laden he looks like a donkey. Well, even more like a donkey. He is cursing up a storm and kicking bags in front of him trying to figure out what he did wrong in his life to be saddled with 45 pieces of girl luggage for a seven-day trip. My first guess? Marrying Teresa. Heck, that's my only guess. Teresa explains that she packed less than usual because she knew Joe was stressed out what with his failing finances, forced expenditures, warrants out for his arrest, and DUI. That and the whole fleeing-the-country thing are just a tad stressful. Also, the wife with no off-button and an unhealthy love of leopard print. Joe curses and kicks over a trash can and throws the luggage around and finally gets down all three decks to the safety of dry land. Adding insult to injury, it turns out everyone else left their bags in their rooms. Teresa was concerned that all the girls' accessories make it to the village so she can impress her cousins and nana with how far she has come in life. Yes, in America her girls can have elastic and bows and glitter and curls. The party boat expels its contents onto a private tour bus. All the little girls are shrieking and, strangely, this makes Caroline into a giant grumpy bunny. This does not concern Teresa, though. She is too busy sightseeing to care if her daughters are screeching. She explains that Naples has a volcano that erupted either 60 or hundreds of years ago. One of those two, for sure. She thinks it is erupting again, but, no, it's just fog. She is relieved, but not as much as Joe, who was trying to picture fleeing a lava flow with 45 pink Burberry bags and four little girls and Teresa, who would probably want to be carried so she wouldn't ruin her Chanel boots.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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