Manzo mansion. Lauren and her boyfriend are cooking a delicious stuffed chicken dish for everyone, and a meal of one single strip of lettuce for her. Poppa Albert, for some ungodly reason, is like, "Look at the bright side, you fatty! If you two have kids, they're also going to be fat!" and everyone laughs but is slightly horrified... though Caroline makes it a point to tell us that she really believes her daughter needs to lose weight. Jesus Christ. I'd like to point out that even Danielle Staub wouldn't say this kind of crap about her kids, and you know damn well Dina would never say an unkind word about Lexi or Grandma Wrinkles. Now Chris and Albie chime in about how obese and grotesque Lauren and Vito are, and it's met with great fanfare. Lauren tells us how much she hates herself and then awkwardly announces to her family that she thinks Vito is interested in other women. Sinking lower, Caroline smiles and says to her daughter's boyfriend, "You're allowed to look, Vito!" Fortunately, the conversation turns to Albie's new love interest, and then everyone takes a turn hugging him and telling him how strong his abs are.
The Shore cruise is now a night cruise. Jacqueline is clearly drunk and trying to make everyone play nice. Dr. Melissa Gorga is tries to explain Jacqueline's psyche, which will no doubt be the inspiration to this summer's next big dance hit, "The Pressures (of Being Teresa's Friend)." Fortunately for all, the boat docks so that this madness can end, just as Rosie is this close to drowning all of the little kids.
The next day, Jacqueline and Caroline are donning all-white for some sort of solstice party that Jacqueline's psychic told her to have in order to rid all of the bad energy in her life. 'Kay. Caroline asks for the dirt about last night, and Jacqueline immediately comes clean about telling everyone about her menopause, preemptively squashing any beef that might have come from Caroline hearing about it from anyone else. Was that so hard? Melissa then shows up and talks about Teresa's rude gold digger comment. Blah blah blah, Teresa is an idiot, "Unless there's blood dripping down my face, you get a pass." (To all my fellow Parks and Recreation fans: Sometimes when I watch this show, I feel like Ben Wyatt listening to Joan Callamezzo.)