Caroline: "Can anybody ever have anything? Anything? It's my brother's wedding. Why does it have to be about you, Teresa, when by all rights it should be about me. And thus, by complaining about that, I end up making it about me. Done."

They toast the couple of the hour, who are still crying, and we talk about how Chicago is gay. Our cast chats about this and that, lets out a few burps, and everybody drinks.

Juicy: "Lovemaking with my wife is so sensual all the time!"

SHORE PARTY

Joe and Rosie are bros, always so confusing and delightful. Apropos of nothing, Melissa sits down to tell us how it is. The real deal about the kind of people they are.

Melissa: "We've always been the party people. We like to keep it classy. But yet sexy at the same time. That's what Joe and I do; that's our motto."

It's true. Their family crest is this poison-spurting penis dressed like a cat-burglar, and it's saying Keep it classy, but yet sexy at the same time.

Further to this end, Rosie and a bevy of shirtless Italian fellows have covered Joey in whipped cream. All of the men, as usual, can't stop putting things down Joey's pants. The most mysterious thing about this show. They squirt into their own and each other's mouths, and everybody climbs all over Joe, and they're pushing him in the pool and chasing him around and... Horseplay. Just endless amounts of good old red-blooded American horseplay.

Joe's headwrap remains steadfast, as though stapled on. What do you think he's got going on up there? Maybe a tattoo. Maybe a tattoo of their family crest, or maybe a tattoo of Teresa eating a bagel in her nightgown. Maybe some kind of magical symbol that gives him this charisma that doesn't translate on camera, but would explain a lot. Like if you were actually there, he wouldn't just be a four-foot tall meathead with weirdly huge eyes and a secret on the top of his head, and suddenly you'd be like, "I cannot wait to stick something down that dude's pants."