Lauren: "Just don't compare me to the Unsinkable Molly Brown."
Nobody: "I understand that reference, and it is valid! Well done. Whereas the truth is that you'd be the person everybody would trample on their way to the lifeboats."
Gay Brothers: "Just say it! Just say the horrible thing! It is the only time any of us like each other is when we're bagging on Lauren! Take part!"
Juicy: "You know the one with all the money that talked too much?"
Everybody: "Ha! The Unsinkable Molly Brown! Delightful!"
Lauren: "Okay, like I just said that?"
Caroline: "No one listens when you speak. No one will ever love you. You deserve nothing."
Juicy: "I'm just saying, you're like a younger fatter version of Kathy Bates."
Caroline: "Uproarious!"

Lauren: "Honestly, I miss Ashley. At least when everybody shit on her she was asking for it, because she is the worst. I'm just like this ... Chinese Daughter nobody wanted, and because I'm the smartest person in the room, you all resent me."
Caroline: "No, it's just that we were all raised to hate women. Especially ourselves. The fact that you're the smartest person in the room doesn't help, but it's not the main reason."
Gay Brothers: "Well, that and the exhausting cognitive dissonance of pretending we're ever going to be successful in any arena of life, thus justifying Caroline's existence and value as a mother. That's gotta be a burden."
Caroline: "That's part of it too, yeah."

RECEPTION

Albie or the other one: "Is that a potato? Or a mushroom?"
Greg: "You honestly don't understand the very simple food in this buffet?"
Whichever one: "No! I need your help with everyday life!"
Juicy: "Nothing I like better than the chance to yell at somebody for being stupid. Move, you whores!"
(Caroline: "I want to eat pork, I enjoy it very much, but I don't want to see the roasted pig it came from. That's a metaphor.")
Everybody: "Let's talk about food and have some drinks and enjoy ourselves!"
Teresa: "Absolutely not if I can help it. I have received a text."

She reads a text to the table that, sic, her "book is on the New Yorks Times Bestsellers." A half-hearted cheer goes up. Jackie crosses her eyes and sips her drink, in her giant hat, and it's delightful; Caroline digs her nails into her palms until blood shoots everywhere. Teresa makes a passive-aggressive speech about how supportive they've all been, and thanks for inviting me to this gay wedding, and calls them all "family." Oh, it's the last one that fucking pushes Caroline over the edge.