Real Housewives of New Jersey
True Love, True Lies

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"You & Your Hat: Shut Up."

It's true. Their family crest is this poison-spurting penis dressed like a cat-burglar, and it's saying Keep it classy, but yet sexy at the same time.

Further to this end, Rosie and a bevy of shirtless Italian fellows have covered Joey in whipped cream. All of the men, as usual, can't stop putting things down Joey's pants. The most mysterious thing about this show. They squirt into their own and each other's mouths, and everybody climbs all over Joe, and they're pushing him in the pool and chasing him around and... Horseplay. Just endless amounts of good old red-blooded American horseplay.

Joe's headwrap remains steadfast, as though stapled on. What do you think he's got going on up there? Maybe a tattoo. Maybe a tattoo of their family crest, or maybe a tattoo of Teresa eating a bagel in her nightgown. Maybe some kind of magical symbol that gives him this charisma that doesn't translate on camera, but would explain a lot. Like if you were actually there, he wouldn't just be a four-foot tall meathead with weirdly huge eyes and a secret on the top of his head, and suddenly you'd be like, "I cannot wait to stick something down that dude's pants."

Richie: "God, am I glad Teresa isn't here. She would make it all about herself, and we're much more comfortable having it be all about Joey Gorga for some reason. Hang on, I think somebody just pushed him into the pool. God, this is the most fun any of us has ever had in our lives."

My favorite thing about the show for the last couple years, besides Jackie and now Rosie -- I may have said this last year too, actually -- is how much Kathy Wakile likes to say facts as if they are jokes. All of her talking heads are just her saying some obvious, banal thing, and then grinning like she just laid down a Comedy Central special. It's so great, she's awesome. If Cindy Barshop had just done this one trick I think she would have been a hit. But instead she took her complete lack of a sense of humor and treated it like it was enough.

Kathy: "Whipped cream is a food. I don't want to play with it, I want to eat it. That's what you do with food."

And then always this parakeet-feather grin, like, "Booyah!"

RECEPTION

Caroline: "Don't make me dance! Just don't try and pull me out on the dancefloor you guys! Come on guys, I hate dancing! Don't make me dance! Fine, I'll dance."

She dances, of course. And then says something weird.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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