Melissa: "Everybody's going to get wild. I heard Richie might take his glasses off!"
Melissa's kids do weird stuff in the background the whole time. They pour an entire bottle of Malibu Rum in the blender, so that'll end well.
Joe: "I am full of poison, meaning semen, and also news. Here is that magazine."
Melissa: "Did they get a dog? With their no money?"
Kathy: "Teresa hates dogs. She thinks they're patronizing."
Kathy is mad because Teresa is quoted as calling her a bully -- which honestly she isn't, she's awesome, but in the Kingdom of the Borderline everyone's an enemy, and you can't speak the truth to a liar without activating their narcissism, so even just acting like a normal person ends up looking a lot like bullying -- and Melissa is mad because the picture of her in the magazine is less lovely than in real life.
Joe: "She puts a wall up with people. I don't get it!"
Melissa: "I know, sweetie. I wish she would get therapy. I say that with love."
Kathy: "I just don't know which Teresa to believe. The one I remember from childhood, or the asshole one that's been on TV for years talking shit about all of us. It's just so tangled."
Melissa: "This conversation is not about me, but since it's not possible for me to remove more clothing I'm just going to burst into tears instead."
Juicy "hilariously" calls his wife a whore several times, and she "jokingly" punches him in the nose, so he "delightfully" breaks her arm. Everybody feels nervously "delighted" by this "deftly comedic" display of dysfunction. The fact that they are all wearing those ridiculous trashy dumb hats just makes it bearable, instead of scary and sad. I hope they never take 'em off.
Chris: "Something about some wine company, so we're all going to Napa Valley."
Albie or the other one: "[Spit take! Wine Country!]"
Jackie: "And then suddenly Chris is inviting everybody with us to Napa? Not sure how that happened. I mean, I know exactly how it happened, because it happens on every Real Housewives show at least once a season, but for the purposes of pretending any of this is real, I gotta say it was a total shock."
Teresa: "Caroline, are you reading your wedding speech?"
Teresa: "Caroline, I love your hat!"