Real Housewives of New Jersey
True Love, True Lies

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
"You & Your Hat: Shut Up."

Teresa: "Caroline, I'm serious about that hat! It doesn't look like a wedge salad at all."
Caroline: "I could happily do this all day."
Teresa: "Forcing people to be horrible to me is pretty much my MO at all times. It gives me a sense of purpose in this very confusing world of ours."

Caroline: "...I mean, shut up. You and your hat, shut up."

The thing that drives me nuts about Caroline is that, yes, she is the worst, but she's also rarely, if ever, wrong. It's very confusing. You want to agree with her, but you don't want her to know that you agree with her. Or I guess it's kind of educational: That being right about everything -- even things like personality problems or family dynamics -- doesn't make a difference as far as whether or not you are an asshole, or yourself immune to charges of having personality problems or shitty family dynamics. Being good at Connect Four doesn't make you an airline pilot, or a brontosaurus, or the creator of the Snuggie. You know? Two separate questions.

THE WEDDING

Actually is quite lovely. There are bowties, a harp, some waterfowl. Bruschetta.

Greg's Boyfriends: "Gays are so interesting! So Other."
Lauren: "Let's talk about my period! Sometimes I'm just asking for it."
(Jackie: "My wedding was kind of trashy. A soccer game was taking place nearby. I wore gray slacks and there were Polaroids.")

Teresa can't quit calling it a Gay Wedding, which, not a huge surprise. But she says it like a million times. "Oh, it took place during the daytime. Oh, there was weather and the air had oxygen in it. They exchanged rings. I am learning so much about gay weddings." Family members hug and chatter; Jackie is adorable walking in heels on the grass. The couple arrives in a ... Clydesdale-drawn coach.

Juicy: "They did the horse's hair, even."
Albie or the other one: "If I stand very still and show no emotion, the gay won't get on me."
Chris: "My gay brother. Let's hear it for him. In a family as big as ours, especially now that Caroline has alienated most of the ones that would even come to a gay wedding in the first place, you have to pick your allies carefully."

Like all Lady-Priests, in both real life and on TV, she immediately starts in with this whole "the universe recognizes your energy" nonsense. Everybody pretends to care what she's saying, except for Teresa who is getting side-eye from their gay dog, and everybody breaks out in a sweat. The two gay dudes that are getting married look lovely.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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