Real Housewives of New Jersey

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This is Why People Hate America

OH GOOD we get to go to Teresa's OB/GYN appointment. Her biggest concern is that her very active sex life will bring on premature labor. She says something else but I am too busy slamming my head into a wall to hear it.

Caroline and her husband are throwing a $1,000-a-head fundraiser for their local sheriff's campaign at their house. They've conscripted their above average boys for pooper scooper patrol before the well-heeled Republicans show up. So we get to watch two kids in suits, including daughter Lauren's new boyfriend who has been roped into doody duty, picking up dog shit for ten minutes. I am, literally, not going to recap that shit.

Danielle is out and about in Franklin Lakes, so obviously no good can come from this. She introduces her outing to the salon by explaining that Dina used to work at the salon -- doing nails! The horror! Obviously this is the biggest slur Danielle could possibly ever utter. She is going to be doing some serious rounds of Hail Marys to make up for that one, for sure. So Danielle gets nestled into her plush pedicure chair and the gossipy pedicurist starts sloughing off her calluses (thanks for the visual, Bravo!). Mid de-corning, the pedicurist slyly mentions that all the ladies of Franklin Lakes have gotten their nails done today for Caroline's fancy Sheriff party. Danielle is so hurt that she wasn't invited to a $1,000 a plate dinner despite the fact that they all hate her, she hates them, and she is flat broke. Um... okay. Sure. Why not? Just take it to Jesus, Danielle. He'll make sure the bitches burn in hell for what they've done.

Dina and Jacqueline were invited to the party, of course. It is just so unfair that Caroline would invite her sisters and not a woman that she hates and only associates with because it makes for good television drama. Meanwhile Danielle loads up her daughters in her Range Rover and vents about not being invited to the fundraiser. Luckily for Danielle, her BFF and newly anointed Chief Spy, Kim is at the party and can report back on all the hellfire the angels of the lord rain down on the festivities. But, much like Jesus before her, Danielle is betrayed.

Kim sits down at a table with Caroline, Dina, Teresa, and Jacqueline and denies her friendship with Danielle. Judas!! [Psst: Judas, you need some more silicone filler around your lips. You look like Howard the Duck.] Kim pretends that her relationship with Danielle is merely a business relationship as in, Danielle buys and Kim sells. Then commences a full-on Danielle slam session including Kim's boyfriend's slanderous mumblings about Danielle sleeping with a friend of his and Teresa guesstimating that Danielle has slept with over 500 guys and has a "hole" bigger than the Lincoln or the Holland Tunnel. Meanwhile, Danielle has taken her own children hostage and is forcing them to drive past Caroline's house "just to see how many people came", because that is not at all a creepy stalker thing to do.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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