Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa was feuding with everyone, and even Caroline -- she of the notable dysfunctional sibling relationships -- called the Gorga family a hot mess. Teresa, likely with the help of the genius/sadists at Bravo, decided that the family should go on some sort of spiritual healing retreat. Rosie wanted everyone -- including Caroline and Jacqueline -- to go, to which Jacqueline appropriately said, "Aw hell no." There were some hag friends who had a series of brunches with Teresa and/or Melissa and made everything worse --particularly for us, the viewers, who had to sit through their mimosa-laden tedium.
We enter at the Gorga house, where Joe and Melissa are teaching the kids how to be strippers. Hey, it's the family business, after all. Melissa is packing for the retreat, and says if nothing else comes out of it, she'd like Teresa to stop talking about them, and stop having weird brunches or dinners with her old friends who may or may not be named Penny. She tells us that Teresa is delusional, and plots schemes, then turns around and accuses Melissa of keeping the family apart. Melissa thinks that's bullshit. And, in fact, I do too. I think Melissa is a little more sinister than she likes to portray herself, but clearly this family does not need the help of outsiders to be thrust deeply into dysfunction junction. Joe says that Tre has to stop stabbing them in the back. He adds that Teresa basically always will hate Melissa, and tells us that Teresa has an army of hags that are dedicated to spreading lies about Melissa. I feel like the best outcome we could hope for from this retreat is the eradication of Kim D. from any nanosecond of this show. Melissa wonders how things will be between Joe and Juicy, and Joe says that his goal is to keep the peace by not looking at or addressing Juicy at all. Interesting strategy at a retreat designed to heal grievances. The kids pack their new stripper clothes in Melissa's suitcase, along with a bible and a picture of Jesus. She explains to them that they're not coming, but she will take the bible just in case. Don't forget the vial of holy water!
We then cut to the Giudice house, where Milania thrashes around like a crazypants and admits that she ate one hundred Twizzlers for breakfast. That actually sounds delicious. Milania: a genius for our time, per usual. Gia rolls her eyes and wonders if she was actually Hitler in a past life, for what else could condemn her to such a fate? Milania tries to pack herself in Teresa's luggage (no room for a Jesus picture there!), and then Juicy comes home. The girls instantly request that he "be the monster," and he runs around and chases them for a minute and it's all actually kind of cute. Juicy asks what this retreat is all about, in a manner that suggests he might not be so excited about the retreat. Teresa explains that she has relationship experts who will be on hand to facilitate conversations. Juicy is like, "Didn't you try that shit already?" Teresa explains that nay, she and Joe only went to therapy one very ineffective time. And broke the therapist, if I recall. Teresa admits that she's anxious about this whole thing, and wants the crazy fucking rollercoaster she's been on with her brother to finally end. I'm sure it will really help when Juicy decides to "be the monster" at the retreat.