Real Housewives of New Jersey
Whine Country

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The Grapes of Wrath

Oh God, and then cut to Teresa screaming, "Hon, I wanna do you in one of these vineyards!" Joe Gorga offers to pull over so they can get out and befoul the precious grapes, while Melissa offers to take video, saying, "Since you're such a media whore, that will really put you out there. There's nothing like a sex tape to get your career going!" Teresa rightly points out that that wasn't a very nice thing to say. See, I think that Teresa's evil ways are mostly a manifestation of her being too dumb to actually have full consciousness as a human being, but Melissa is just straight-up shady.

The RVs truck on and end up at a winery called Lancaster Estate, that is maybe also a hotel. Juicy is finally happy, given that he'll soon be able to drunkenly split his lip on someone else's floor. Poor Chris Laurita (it's he and Albert who I always feel the worst for, as they seem like quasi-normal mellow type of guys who married into this shitshow) recognizes the potential for disaster that lies ahead. As we see footage of Rich dropping a wine glass on the floor, we learn that this whole thing has some sort of tie-in with Chris's business dealings. I think he's shown what a terrible businessman he is simply by virtue of bringing this cast of morons to anything remotely professional in nature. Take a lesson from RHONY's Heather and leave the crazy people at home!

The group takes a trip to Levendi Winery, which is the company that Chris will be... doing whatever it is he does with. Promoting? Chris politely asks everyone to be on their best behavior, which I'm sure will totally work. Note that they have already busted open a bottle of wine in the shuttle. Winemaker Allison Doran greets the group, looking very kindly. She takes them on a tour, which includes wine barrels that she says cost about $1,000 a piece. For no fucking reason at all, Juicy says, "I could get them for about $850." What is he even talking about? No one knows. Juicy takes a little sip of the cabernet that Allison doles out, makes a noise in his throat, and then offers the rest of it to Rich. It turns out that Juicy is hungry, and wants to leave. Joe Gorga then yells out, "This tastes like my wife, baby. Like a fiiiiiine smooth wine." If you added up all the Gorga/Giudice IQs, do you think they'd break 100? As the Manzos and Lauritas look stressed, Teresa notes that this is fun and not work and that everyone should try to have a good time. Sigh.

Christopher Manzo tries to be professional and ask questions of Allison while Joe feeds Melissa grapes, encourages her to use her tongue, and declares himself a horny bastard. Juicy and Melissa then toss grapes into Joe's mouth while Chris Laurita looks troubled. He's starting to get annoyed, but tells us that he's not the type of guy to tell everyone to fuck off. Rather, he tries to make even the grodiest situations better. Allison seems to be taking it all in stride though, and seems genuinely amused when Teresa and Jacqueline tell her tales of how they stomped grapes like Lucy and Ethel. As they take their leave, Christopher Manzo tells us that their partnership with Levendi will be a learning experience for everyone, since Levendi knows nothing about selling things and the Manzo Group LLC (or whatever they call themselves) knows nothing about wine. A partnership made in heaven! I think the Manzo Group LLC's main marketing strategy is "having your product featured on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey." It costs an additional 10% to have your product featured in a scene where Giudice ass-fingering is mentioned. The whole crew leaves Levendi, and in the shuttle Albert and Juicy get into the weirdest argument about the location of a particular KFC. Like us, Christopher finds it oddly compelling.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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