Real Housewives of New Jersey
Whine Country

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The Grapes of Wrath

Back at Lancaster Estate, winemaker Jesse Katz and owner Nicole Simpkins meet with the entire group, and can barely contain their horror. Chris tells us that Lancaster put them up in style, and though they are not his clients he's banking on everyone taking their impending winery tour seriously. In response, Teresa and Juicy have a rousing debate about whether you can see her crotch. Awesome. There is an insane wine cave on the property, and Kathy tells us that her grandfather had a cave like this. That is because the immediate Gorga relations are EARLY MAN. Would you be surprised to learn that Teresa's grandfather was a caveman? LOOK AT HER FOREHEAD, FOR PETE'S SAKE!

Jesse gives the group a taste of one of their finest cabernets, but before he can tell them too much about it Joe Giudice points everyone's attention to a nearby statue, which he thinks looks like Joe Gorga's manhood, upside down. He yells out the words "nuts" and "fucking penis," and then Joe tries to jump on the statue, which is in fact the Lancaster lion. Jesse and Nicole look so very troubled. I recognize that look every time I glance at a mirror while recapping this show. Caroline points out that Joe Gorga is a lovable goon, but also a raging doofus. Yes, we know. She's regretting Chris's decision to bring along this motley crew.

Lauren then blindfolds Caroline and she is driven off to a surprise belated birthday lunch in the middle of the vineyard. It's a lovely setting, and Albie gives a toast that makes her cry AND makes him cry. Chris gives another really sweet toast, and then it's Lauren's turn. She has prepared nothing and complains about always having to go last. And then she's like, "Thanks for bestowing upon me these crippling body issues!" No, she doesn't say that at all. She actually pulls it together and praises Caroline's maternal attributes. It's very sweet, and even Chris Laurita cries. Then Juicy decides that it's his turn to toast Caroline. He notes that he and Teresa have gone back a long time with the Manzos, and have always patronized their restaurant, the name of which escapes him. (He means the Brownstone, obviously.) He says that they should still continue their friendship, nevermind the bullcrap. It could just be that my expectations for him are dregs-of-the-wine-barrel low, but that was actually kind of sweet. Caroline cries, and Teresa starts bawling and actually looks just like Gia. She wonders if, once they get back to Jersey, she and Caroline can be more than cordial acquaintances. Yeah, that one's a real cliffhanger.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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