Chris then asks Caroline to name some of the best times she's had during her 50 years on earth. She names each of her children, of course, and says that the best thing that ever happened to her is Albert, because he gave her the kids. Everyone toasts, and Melissa yells, "Thank you, Jesus!" You know, whenever I give Melissa a hard time for being shady and conniving, I have to remember that she's of the precise intelligence level that leads a person to try to make "Thank you, Jesus!" her catchphrase.
And then it's the moment we've all been waiting for! Juicy gets a text and gets up from the table, saying, "I gotta call work." Um, what work? Way to give yourself away, you big jerk. So, of course Teresa is eyeing him suspiciously, and of course Joe Giudice doesn't realize how a body mic works. He asks the "worker" on the other end of the line what "he" is doing, and upon hearing the response goes, "Oh! Don't even tell me that. Mmmhmmmmmmhmmmmm." Teresa then gets up to walk over to Juicy, which prompts him to utter the immortal words, "Hold on. Here she comes. My bitch wife. She's such a cunt." You guys, he is a bad man. Honestly. Teresa grills Juicy about who is on the phone, and he calls her a retard and a pain in the ass, and then says that the man on the other end of the phone doesn't even understand English. He speaks in Italian about someone picking up something and then hangs up in a hurry. Everyone else is off happily taking photos, but Teresa and Juicy walk away. Caroline tells us that she's not going to get into Teresa's marriage, but says that she feels bad for her. Well, Caroline and I are in agreement about that, at least.
What will make you feel even worse for Teresa is that she's trying to convince Juicy to have sex with her in the vineyards, and he won't. He actually screams, "I ain't doing it!" and then calls her a fucking whore. You guys, it's the saddest and worst. I just, ugh. So, everybody else is sort of trying to peer through the grapes and figure out what's going on, and whether Teresa is angry or sad or laughing. Melissa says that she sees Teresa lifting her dress up, and Caroline gives a look like, "Are you fucking serious that this bitch is trying to get laid in the grapes ON TV during my belated birthday celebration?" and tells everyone to eat. Jacqueline thinks that this madness is happening because Teresa was upset about Caroline being the center of attention, but after the phone call incident we know that it's all far more sinister and pathetic than that. Joe tells Teresa again that he doesn't feel like doing it, and she yells, "A little bit!" Is that like "just the tip"? She then straddles him and he says, "All right, come on, get it over with, this fucking stupid shit." Ah, the language of romance. She must feel so loved. Richie peers on through the grapes and says to Joe, "I swear to god I think your brother-in-law is hitting your sister in the fucking vineyard." He interviews that he kept hearing Teresa saying that they could do it in the vineyard, and that she'd put her legs up, and adds, "This guy doesn't even want you in the bedroom. What makes you think he's gonna want to do you on gravel?" Ouch. I mean. And here, let us say a silent prayer for the writers and editors who have to watch the hours of raw footage of this shit. You suffer so that we can suffer less. Rest assured, though, we're still suffering.