Real Housewives of New Jersey

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Party On, Wayne N.J.

Welcome back to the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the show that never ends. Never. Ever. Ends. Kill Me! I am seriously considering back-masking this recap with cries for help and pleas to the network to make it all stop. I mean for the love of all that is decent and holy (mostly doughnuts): These women all are either related or hate each other. If I wanted to watch this I would go to my family reunions! And I don't!

Once again we start off the proceedings at Teresa's house. Teresa's house where irony reigns supreme. You see, it is family game night and what better game to play when your real estate investments are crumbling and your shore house is in foreclosure and your marble mausoleum at the Wayne Cemetery has been revoked and your clinging to your shoe collection with your Lee Press-On Nails and you fist fought a woman for even hinting that your house was in foreclosure, too, what better game to play than Monopoly? Oh Teresa, I had no idea you were so fucking funny. Or clueless. Or had such a well-developed sense of the absurd.

Anyway, the Giudices are playing the scene completely straight-faced and not laughing at the irony at all and are instead talking about their impending 10-year anniversary as if nothing hilarious was happening at all. This is some serious Andy Kaufman booger-on-the-face shit this is. Adding to the ludicrous proceedings, Teresa is demanding that Joe buy her a million-dollar diamond ring to mark the occasion. Economy be damned! Bankruptcy, pshaw! Baby wants diamonds! This is so absurd it is practically high art. Really, Beckett would be proud.

Over at Danielle's house, her "friend" Cynthia stops by. I put "friend" in quotes because who greets their friend with a "Hi, hello, how are you?" Not many people as such is usually reserved for recent acquaintances and paid witnesses, or, in Cynthia's case, a hired party planner. Danielle's daughter Christine is almost awesome. She wants to donate all the money she makes at her Sweet Sixteen party to a charity. She doesn't need the money and would rather give it to someone who does. Now that the obligatory college application padding is out of the way, she wants to invite over 300 close personal friends, her dad, and not her little sister. Too bad they are already on Bravo, because otherwise MTV would be all over this shit.

Jacqueline heads to shaving enthusiast Caroline's house to talk about the only subject the two are seemingly capable of talking about: Danielle. It's hard to tell whether Danielle is truly the only topic of conversation between the sisters-in-law or whether Bravo is so intent on making Danielle happen that they edit out everything else so all we ever see is Jacqueline and Caroline talking about Danielle. I am pretty sure it is the latter, but come on, Bravo. If these two women are so boring that you have to spoon feed them topics of conversation, why did you cast them in the first place? That said, Jacqueline Laurita's Twitter feed (oh shut up, I do it for you!) is full of nothing but Danielle hate and the occasional spurt of puppy love. At this point I would prefer hearing about the Manzo family gun collection or Lauren and Vito's love affair or more about Caroline's beauty rituals to any more about Danielle vs. The Manzos. Okay, truthfully, I would prefer watching my dog lick his foot for an hour, but someone has to watch this show.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey

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