Over at the elder Manzos, while his law school career is on his hold, Albie has made the wise decision to join the police academy. Because working in a law firm as, say, a paralegal, is beneath him. According to Albie, the only downside to this situation is the haircut. He had to cut his hair from its normal half-inch to a quarter-inch. Everyone is sad. Caroline saved the hair for her scrapbook, natch. Albie explains that Police Academy is just like law school only slower and easier to understand. Also, guns and discipline. Then Caroline starts salivating at the thought of how hot Albie will be in uniform. Awkward!
Danielle is similarly salivating over her daughters. They are so accomplished what with their proto-modeling and singing careers. She pats herself on the back for doing something right, but I think we can skip that and instead just start contributing to the girls' therapy fund. Danielle is forcing Jillian to sing on stage at Christine's Sweet Sixteen, but just because Danielle knows that Jillian will be great and needs to do it. NOW. Jillian starts crying, but Danielle brushes it off as an artistic temperament. Now sing dammit!!
It is finally the day of Joe and Teresa's anniversary. After some struggles and a tag team effort to shove Joe's meaty arms into his shirt, they are off with a bottle of champagne tucked firmly under Joe's arm. Teresa is surprised that Joe got them a car service! She is so used to sitting shotgun and chugging champers while Joe drives. Joe refuses to kiss her because of all her lipstick, but she demands it and then insists he is a poet. I would pay SO MUCH to hear Joe's poetry. Joe has hired a helicopter because he wussed out on a helicopter ride during their honeymoon. Ten years later he has discovered Xanax and champagne.
They land the helicopter and head to a hotel where it takes Teresa just a minute to realize that the rose petals sprinkled on the bed are the Chinese ideogram for love and happiness. I lie. She's an idiot. Joe surprises her with a yellow diamond ring resting atop her chocolate cake. Then she straddles him on the bed (I wish I was lying) and explains that she was so surprised that he got her a diamond because, you know, the economy, but then again she did threaten him with no "hanky panky" for a month if he didn't buy her a diamond. So now we all know that the cost of renting Teresa's vajayjay for a month is one yellow diamond. Start saving now, kids!
Albie's hair is a source of mystery. It's long again! It has regained its lustrous quarter inch over night! Yet he claims he is still in the police academy. Then he proves he is still in the academy because he starts ordering his brother and sister around, insisting they spread 'em, forces them to compete against each other in physical competitions, and when they resist he throws them against the wall and punches them in the kidneys. Family fun!