The Lauritas finally arrive, at which point Bratshley promptly gets on her phone and carries on a half-hearted conversation with her cousins before checking out entirely. Not even a flaming pyramid of onions can draw her attention. Jacqueline stands up and finally tells Bratshley to get off the damn phone. She makes a pointed toast and tries to remind Bratshley that everyone is there for her (so stop being a self-centered nitwit).

The next morning, Melissa's requisite gay event planner "Fabulous Fred" arrives at the Gorga home to set up the last-minute details for the party. Oh dear, there will be both carolers and a casino. Also? "A winter wonderland of desserts." Joe says he's getting nervous the party is going to be expensive and gives Fab Faux Freddie a shot. Because drinking always reins in one's spending impulses? As Joe takes back a couple of shots, Melissa mentions that there is some sort of tenuous charity tie-in to her party. How the kids at St. Joseph's are benefiting from this event exactly is left to the imagination, but we do know that the Gorgas are spending $50,000. We don't want no roly poly servers up in here, no sir.

Elsewhere, Kathy and her kids are putting up their decorations, including a terrifying Mardi Gras mask instead of a star. Rich is outside stringing up the lights and hanging the wreaths. Back inside, Kathy assures us that she intends to be cordial to Teresa at Melissa's Christmas party. Rich comes back inside to check out the tree, and we learn that the topper is a cat with feathers. Which makes it even more horrifying, if you ask me.

Meanwhile, Caroline and Albert hit up a jewelry store so Caroline can show Albert the Christmas presents she prepared for her children. She feels especially moved this year seeing how much Lauren is missing her brothers. So she's assigned the jeweler to put together a bracelet that all three of them can wear to symbolize their commitment to each other as family. Did I mention the bracelets are $4,500 apiece? They settle on a leather clasp with three infinity symbols linked together in black diamonds (for the boys) and white diamonds (for Lauren). Even anti-jewelry Albert says he'd wear it.

That night, several assistants help Melissa primp for her party in the bathroom as Joe threatens to disrobe in front of the makeup and hair artists since they're in his space. Even Fabulous Fred is all, "I'm outta here!" when that comes down the pipeline. Melissa acknowledges she met the most sexual man she knows and tells Joe, "You would die without me." Joe argues that he would actually have a harem if she weren't around, at which point Melissa threatens to go all Lorena Bobbitt up in here. Cut (no pun intended) to a shot of the ice sculpture artists going to town on a block of ice with their chainsaws.