Here is the most important thing that happens: Henry fucks a lady out a window. OUT. A. WINDOW. Now that Mary and Francis are married, shit has gotten real, y'all. Henry asks Evil Anne to help him move the body and cover up the death, because the lady he banged out a window was the sister of the visiting Archduke of Bohemia, and her accidental death could cause a war. Evil Anne agrees and proves deliciously competent, because she is a baller.
As Henry promised, he's been introducing Kenna to gentlemen who might like to marry her, such as, for instance, the archduke of Bohemia. She has to pretend to be all virginal and sweet to appeal to the very religious archduke, and she's just about to close the deal when Sister Archduke's body goes plummeting past, as Henry and Evil Anne have chucked her out the window of her own bedroom. The distraught archduke eventually buys Henry and Evil Anne's cockamamie story of how Sister Archduke took a header (or two) out of the castle and leaves without marrying Kenna. So Henry still gets to bang Kenna, and now he has an excellent way of disposing of troublesome sex ladies he's tired of.
Lola's Paris tryst with Francis has, of course, gotten her pregnant. Kenna refers Lola to a castle maidservant who used to be chubby and sad, then disappeared for a while and came back skinny and happy, so clearly she knows where to procure an abortion. Lola heads off to get herself unpregnant, but Mary finds out and stops her -- and then Lola tells her the baby is Francis's. Mary cries and screams and everyone is sad -- most of all Lola -- because she doesn't actually want to grow up to be Diane de Poitiers (although I don't know why not, because Diane is great).
And Bash, on his ramblings, finds Francis's ex-girlfriend Olivia in the woods. She's basically feral and something (the pagans? Squirrels?) has been chewing on her. He brings her back to the castle so Nostradamus can take care of her, and then sneaks into Mary's room to tell her how the guards Francis charged with taking him to his ship in Spain tried to kill him. She doesn't want to believe him, but tells Francis about Bash's visit. Francis gets all upset and pouty that Mary doesn't trust him. After helping Mary find Lola, Bash leaves again, but he shacks up with a local bow-hunting lass who makes eyes at him and only has a kinda possessive brother rather than a murderous husband. Improvement!
Previously on Reign: Mary and Francis got married, then had sex. Henry made Bash watch, and then booted him out of the castle. Soldiers -- possibly hired by Francis or Evil Anne -- tried to kill Bash, but failed.
Some time later (because it's snowing), Mary and Francis return from their honeymoon. Neither of them is delighted to be returning to court. Mary, in fact, dreads it, even though Francis assures her all their earlier problems (Nostradamus's visions, Evil Anne, Bash) have dispersed.
In the throne room, Henry and Evil Anne greet the Archduke of Bohemia and his sister. The goal of today's diplomatic negotiations is avoiding a war, since a French ship fired on a Bohemian one. Henry says it was an accident; the archduke doesn't really believe him. As Evil Anne says France is so, so sorry, Henry makes sex eyes at Kenna while Cecilia (that would be Sister Archduke) makes sex eyes at Henry.
Later, Henry and Kenna discuss how he's supposed to be presenting her with acceptable suitors. The last few were rubbish, so now Henry's throwing the archduke at her. The only problem is that the archduke will want a virgin bride. Kenna makes a little squeak of dismay, but Henry assures her that he'll make sure no one at court mentions her amorous experiences. Henry introduces Kenna and Archduke Ferdinand, then excuses himself to flirt with Cecilia. Kenna plays bashful -- she's terrible at it.
Francis and Mary arrive back at court with a trumpet fanfare. Greer observes that they look happy, which is 16th century code for "ya got sex hair, ya got it from him, girl." Mary bubbles over with enthusiasm about how they've been humping like bunnies all over France and when she came up for air, she had time to find boyfriends for everyone! Hey, what happened to Greer's kitchen man wench? Is there just a pit of discarded men out back of Fontainebleu? Lola stares at Francis awkwardly.
Evil Anne greets the blushing bride, then immediately drags her son away for a word. She tells him Bash didn't make it to Spain, which shocks him. It seems he legitimately intended those guards to take Bash to a ship in Spain. Evil Anne informs him of the guards' deaths, but confirms that Bash's body wasn't found. Henry's men are looking for him.
Bash has taken himself to the tundra, it seems. He's going all Natty Bumppo across a snowy landscape, armed with a crossbow, but he's not paying quite close enough attention, because some wannabe Katniss Everdeen tackles him and then points out that he nearly blundered into her boar trap. And while he calls himself a tracker, he's actually a complete idiot, because the trap was covered with leaves…in a clearing surrounded by evergreens. Der.