It was bound to happen sooner or later: the English army parks itself on the Scottish border, panicking the queen regent, who sends word to her daughter in France that they need an army right goddamn now. Mary pleads with Henry to give her soldiers, but he refuses. She asks Francis to intercede, but he just makes ineffectual guppy faces and loses a swordfight to his dad.
While the girls were gossiping about boys, Mary learned that Kenna's flinging herself wholeheartedly into her king-banging phase, and also that Greer has been flirting gleefully with Tomas, the king of Portugal's bastard son. When Mary learns that Tomas is in France to trade for timber, she offers him a new deal: he'll give her an army and she'll give him wood. That is, trees. For building ships, you perverts. Rather than agree to a straight-up trade, Tomas asks Mary to marry him, since his father has attempted to make him legitimate so he can succeed to the throne.
Mary waffles, because she needs an army, but to get one she has to dump Francis and steal Greer's fella. Francis is desperate to hold onto Mary (although not desperate enough to, you know, MARRY HER), so he blackmails his father by threatening to tell Evil Anne of Green Gables and Shockingly Powerful Mistress Diane about Henry's plans to nail Kenna. Henry agrees to give Francis six companies of soldiers and they send Bash to deliver the orders.
But Henry betrays the mission to the English to teach Francis a lesson (about how his father is an asshole?), nearly getting Bash killed in the process. Still without an army, Mary agrees to wed Tomas. Greer cries for a minute, then makes out with a hot kitchen man-wench. And none of Lola's boyfriends get beheaded, so it's a good week for her.
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To recap: The English want to kill Mary and conquer Scotland. Her best hope is to marry Prince Francis, cementing Scotland's alliance with France. But everyone and their mom (especially Francis's mom, Evil Anne of Green Gables) wants to prevent this. To make things worse, King Henry is dragging his feet about setting a wedding date. And Francis is none too eager to get hitched.
A little boy collects eggs at the Scottish border. He turns when he sees a man in armor, who has popped up on one side of the stone wall like a hellish avatar of destruction and fearfully says they don't want trouble from the English. He offers to share his breakfast, but the soldier says he'll need more eggs -- as it looks like there's a full-scale invasion happening.
French court. Evil Anne of Green Gables invites herself into Sexy Nostradamus's lair, where he's making her a sleeping potion. Man, I want a pet sorcerer. All of a sudden, he has a vision of a soldier drawing his sword and being stabbed in the gut. Evil Anne asks what he sees and he says war… a war that will reach inside the castle.
Not talking about war: Mary and the girls are sitting by the lake, sharing their best kisses. Kenna's, of course, is a man, she gloats, not a boy. There's no sense in messing around with boys when men are so much more capable, she says -- or else the girls should take care of their own needs. And then the others burn her as a witch.
Greer shyly says she hopes her best kiss is in the future. She protests that she doesn't come from a titled family like the other girls, so she has to be extra chaste and good to snag a husband. But she has her eye on someone: Tomas, the son of the king of Portugal. She thinks he's lingering in France not for the trade deal he's negotiating, but because he's infatuated with her.
Aylee pops Greer's pleasant little fantasy by reminding her that princes marry for alliances, not love, but Greer says Tomas is a bastard, not a prince. Like Bash! OMG, would someone please make out with Bash? I mean, I'll do it if y'all are busy. Greer tells the girls she can take care of herself and besides, Tomas has money and land with no meddling in-laws who might want to kill her! Bonus!
Girl time is interrupted when a maid tells Mary her Uncle Claude has arrived and wants to see her. In the castle, Uncle Claude (it's Bill's brother Joey from Big Love!) hands over a letter from Mama Mary, telling Daughter Mary about the English massing on the Scottish border. Mary frets and says they must send reinforcements -- she thinks Henry will help. Claude politely says Henry has been reluctant in that regard so far. He asks why she hasn't finalized the alliance yet. Mary protests that there's not much she can do, that Henry and Francis are treating her like a pair of gloves for cold weather, something to be put aside until they have use of it. Regardless, Claude says, Mary needs to do something for Scotland. Now.