A Neapolitan count visits the French court while Henry is away crushing a peasant rebellion in Lorraine (as you do), but Vincent isn't just visiting to enjoy Evil Anne's legendary hospitality -- he wants revenge for the imprisonment and death of his son at the hands of the French army.
Vincent refuses to take money as salve for his pain, so Evil Anne offers him a royal bride -- that would be Mary -- to bear him some replacement sons. Francis, who just five minutes ago was screwing Olivia up against a wall, panics and volunteers as a hostage.
Evil Anne and Mary are forced to team up to save stupid Francis. Mary asks Clarissa the ghost to show her a way out of the castle through the secret tunnels, which she does, and Evil Anne puts together a plan whereby Francis, his little brothers and everyone else in the castle will escape through the tunnels while Evil Anne, Mary and the ladies-in-waiting distract Vincent and his men at a feast.
Everything goes according to plan until Olivia ruins everything because she is the worst. She lets Francis, the princes and everyone else into the secret tunnel, but then bails before Mary and the ladies can make their escape. Luckily, Evil Anne had the forethought to poison all of Vincent's men. Mary stabs Vincent to death and then everybody hugs and Mary and Francis run off and have disgraceful thank-God-we're-alive sex.
Meanwhile, Diane plots to make Bash the legitimate heir to the throne. Bash hates this idea and scowls for three days straight.
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Previously on Reign: Henry took up with Kenna, but he didn't dump his longtime mistress Diane de Poitiers as he promised, and now she's living in the guest chateau! Francis's ex-girlfriend Olivia showed up and he told Mary that since he plans to spend the next eight months ears-deep in Olivia's lady business, she's allowed go out walking with other fellows -- except not Bash. Bash and Diane are secret pagans and are super worried about getting burned alive. With good reason!
Evil Anne of Green Gables and Mary watch as a bunch of digitally generated extras ride out of the castle. Mary says she doesn't see Bash, and wonders why he isn't riding to war with the king. Evil Anne corrects her that it's not war, it's just some uppity peasants, and furthermore it's an excuse for men to wave their dicks around and make a bunch of noise. "Men must find something to kill from time to time," she sniffs. "It's a pity they can't live harmoniously -- like women."
This is the most hilarious thing Mary has ever heard, and she nearly chokes on her own bile when Evil Anne viciously brings up Olivia and how she's been making the beast with two backs with Francis on every flat surface in Fontainebleu. And some of the vertical surfaces. "What a sweet, generous girl you are," Evil Anne says poisonously, continuing to compliment Mary on her obedient service to the alliance even though Francis loves someone else, just like how Henry loves Diane.
Next, in a hallway, it's Olivia's turn. Evil Anne compliments her on doing the nasty with Francis and tries to give her some advice on turning illicit sex into a legitimate crown. Olivia, the picture of wounded innocence and devotion, says she just wants Francis, not the crown, and moans that he still loves Mary. She bitterly tells Evil Anne that Francis yelled Mary's name when he had his little death, which is something you should totally tell your boyfriend's mother, oh my god.
Speaking of the derelict dauphin, he's fork jousting with his little brother, Charlie the Tyrant-to-be. A nurse takes Charlie off to tutor him in the best way to murder Protestants and Francis explains to the just-arrived Mary that Evil Anne is making everyone in the household learn how to use this new-to-them utensil. (True story! Although it happened before Francis was born.) He manages not to swallow his tongue when surveying Mary's strapless gown starring her bosom companions Sixtus and Callixtus (this might be the most historically inappropriate thing she's worn yet?) as he explains that some Neapolitan nobleman is coming to dinner and the fork policy is part of the diplomatic reception.