Henry's quest to legitimize Bash goes on, and as a consequence, the Medici princes (for our purposes that means Francis, Charlie and Henry III) are threats to Bash's throne. Francis has fucked off to Paris, where he lives at a brothel, but the two baby princes are in the castle. Mary and Bash argue about what to do to protect them after the royal carriage is set upon by irate anti-Medici villagers -- Mary has sworn to Evil Anne that she'll keep her sons safe, while Bash wants to send them away to live with monks, because that worked so well for Mary!
So Bash throws a garden festival for the boys and while everyone is running around wearing masks, he has the princes spirited away, bound for Spain. (Where their sister is queen, so they can live with her or at least learn to play soccer properly.) But bag-headed Clarissa, who's not a ghost but the illegitimate, disfigured spawn of Evil Anne and King Henry's former best friend, kills the boys' driver and runs away with them. She tells them they'll be a family, but actually intends to kill them to get her revenge on the mother who abandoned her.
Evil Anne and Sexy Nostradamus fake her suicide to break her out of her tower prison, but before she can go hop into a wagon that will smuggle her to Italy, Nostradamus tells her about the missing princes and she insists she won't leave until she knows they're safe.
Mary, Bash and Evil Anne quickly catch up with Clarissa, Charlie and Henry III. Evil Anne starts out pleading with Clarissa, but in a fit of terror she screams that Clarissa is a monster, so Mary has to bludgeon Clarissa to death before Clarissa can cut Charlie's throat. After all that, Bash asks Mary to marry him and they make out, because these two get super turned on by murder.
In Paris, Francis has taken up residence at the Moulin Rouge, where Lola's brother, Frederic, is deeply in debt and in danger of having his hands smashed with a hammer. Lola shows up to rescue Frederic and ends up going to bed with Francis because they're both lonely guppies.
Previously on Reign: So many things happened! Clarissa the not-ghost is the disfigured illegitimate first daughter of Evil Anne of Green Gables, whom Sexy Nostradamus rescued and hid in the castle. Mary leveraged her claim on the English throne to get King Henry to replace Francis as his heir with Bash, even though Bash has some pagan skeletons in his closet that could get everyone burned at the stake. Francis fucked off like a tiny crying baby. And Henry plans to have Evil Anne executed for treason and adultery.
Clarissa, barefoot, rambles around Evil Anne's empty bedchamber in broad daylight. She rummages through a keepsake box and finds locks of hair belonging to Evil Anne's kids. A servant couple stumbles in to get their rocks off in the queen's temporarily empty bed; Clarissa hides herself behind a screen.
Stable. Mary finds Bash, who's just come back from a ride. She's all tarted up in her crown and her ermine (she looks like a Madame Alexander doll) and frets that they haven't heard back from the Vatican about legitimizing Bash. He's confident the Vatican will eventually agree to legitimize him so they can get married, because Bash has read The Secret rather than anything about the history of Catholicism. Mary moves on to worrying about the wee princes, Charlie and Henry III, and how sad they are about becoming wretched motherless bastards. She wants to take them to a fair in town, and Bash simpers about how good and sweet she is.
In the carriage, Mary explains to Charlie and Henriño they'll get candy and see a puppet show and get to play with other children as Charlie sighs wanly about how Papa doesn't like them mingling with commoners. He asks if they'll get to see their mother before she's executed. Maybe people should stop discussing that in the nursery?!
The carriage suddenly encounters a line of people from the village, who recognize the princes (or the crest on the carriage) and holler, "Death to Queen Catherine and her line!" They start rocking the carriage, trying to upset it.
The wench who was getting nailed in Evil Anne's room is putting her skirts to rights when she notices the open keepsake box on the queen's dressing table. She runs around looking for whoever might have seen her getting it on; she's afraid of being blamed if someone has stolen from Evil Anne. Clarissa pops out from behind a curtain and chokes the maid to death, as if we needed confirmation that Clarissa is crazy.