Dead person update: Colin is not dead! Castle ghost Clarissa arranges for the guards to execute a thief rather than Colin and helps him escape. But Colin runs directly into the woods, where Queen Evil Anne of Green Gables' guards immediately catch him, cut his throat and string him up by his feet to make it look like the local heretics killed him. Your resurrection was brief but meaningful, Colin.
At the castle, the king and queen inform their wee son Charles that they've found him a bride, a rich French girl named Madeleine, who will be arriving by ship. (By herself! Because her parents are in Morocco on vacation or something. She is, like, seven.) Francis and Mary escort Charlie to meet his bride, and while at the sea they notice that the ship arriving is English rather than French. But they come in peace, they say. They'll just be sticking around a little while, hmm?
There are also English guests at the castle. Lord Simon Westbrook immediately begins leering sinisterly in Mary's direction and promptly tries to kill her with a poisoned dress, because all of the people who are supposed to keep Mary alive are off stuffing the geese with grain or fucking the help or something.
Francis mans up and believes Mary when she figures out that Evil Anne of Green Gables is behind the plots to rape her and kill her and dismember her and sign her up for the Columbia House CD club. He lays down the law with his mother (as much as he can in his pulpy, larva-like way) and then pledges his friendship and help to Mary.
And while all this intrigue swirls in his castle, the king of France just wants to bang some strange. He procures a noble husband for Mary's lady-in-waiting Kenna so Kenna can go to her marriage a virgin, and then Henry can have what he wants. I'm betting Henry will get his first. Robert of Lorraine seems an amiable fellow that way.
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Ooh, we open with a Game of Thrones–style catch-up montage: A narrator explains that the English have coveted Mary's country and her crown since she was born. So she's come to France to marry the heir, which will protect both her and Scotland. But forces conspire against her. Forces be conspiring.
And now, previously on Reign: Mary, Queen of Scots came to France thinking she'd fall in love with and marry her prince, Francis II. But Francis has a mistress as well as some doubts about cementing the alliance between France and Scotland. And Francis's mom, Evil Anne of Green Gables de Medici, has been told by her pet fortune teller, Sexy Nostradamus, that Mary and Francis's marriage will cause poor wee Frankie's death. So Evil Anne is doing everything in her considerable power to prevent the wedding. And the CW edited out Mary's lady-in-waiting Kenna's moment of self-love, because girls having fun is filthy.
Dungeon. A jailer tortures a man on the rack. He stops the stretching and skulks off, and a woman comes to unlock the poor tortured soul. She tells him to go, but he's unconscious, so she pulls a poker from the fire and prods him with it to get his ass in gear. She flees and he yells after her, asking why she's freed him.
Morning in Mary's bedroom. Lola is asleep in Mary's bed, while the girl queen is already awake. A maid, Sarah, introduces Kenna, Aylee and Greer, who are puzzled to see Lola in Mary's bed. (They're under the impression Mary slept on the couch or something -- but after the failed defilement plot, wouldn't it be safer for one of the girls to sleep in Mary's bed every night?) Lola's still upset about her boyfriend being beheaded, Mary tells the others. As would we all, I think?
The girls go to breakfast and Mary updates the ladies on the differing reasons she's been given for Colin's attack: the king and queen of France say it was an English plot, but Colin told Lola someone at the castle put him up to it. Mary thinks it's someone who doesn't want Scotland and France to be allies. So that could be almost anyone. While Mary prattles on, Kenna has this glazed look in her eyes like she's remembering how the king had her up against a wall last night.
The king and queen's task today: matching up tiny children for future politically advantageous marriages. Evil Anne tells her son Charles, who looks about eight, that his future missus, Madeleine, is not only rich, but she has a giraffe! He looks psyched about the giraffe. Not so much about getting girl cooties on him. King Henry tells Francis to escort his brother to the landing to meet Madeleine's ship.